Still Not Over It

Not waking up in dreadful pain anymore.  It was physical pain.  Tried to describe it to Jon.  I know I’ve had a fire in the belly since birth.  I know it came from somewhere else or I would have caved long before.  When I realized he was really gone I felt this pain in my core.  It was like taking a cast iron skillet from the fire and holding it under cold water.  I felt that hot frying steaming pain until the cold won and all it left was a vacuum.  Like a cracked window frame during a winter wind.

It was three years ago yesterday.  Mentioned to Jon this morning that really the pain began immediately and got worse from there.  The next day and week and month and so on.  Didn’t speak of it to anyone yesterday.  Still haven’t spoke to any of the kids about him or that yesterday was the anniversary because I’m afraid of them having a depressive relapse.

I remember not wanting to cry in front of my kids so I went out to the old studio and had fits of tears and animal like sobbing until my nose was so stuffed up I couldn’t breathe and I had a head ache from it.  Instead they saw me drink and smoke too much.

Today while talking to Jon I didn’t cry and it was to not worry him but I felt the tampening of the emotion in the center of my chest.  He asked if it was the left or right side and I said no, not like that, it’s center, a heart chakra ache and I rubbed my chest in circles until it went away.

Thankful for the medications.  There is a good reason they are called mood stabilizers.  They are working great.  I’m breathing deeply and able to walk it off. Milo is with me today sleeping at my feet.  Staying calm.  More objective and slightly detached from it.  Like I folded it up and locked it away in a safety deposit box.  Saving it for art therapy.


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