Laying low and keeping to myself mostly. Lots of fluids. Sometimes people cough when they quit and that hasn’t happened, yet.
Slept really well last night but had to use a space heater, it was so cold. Heatwave?
Going to be a difficult week, because it’s race week. Sailor here from Chicago I’m nice to him, but staying away. Did not cook salmon for him this trip. Too sedated. He’s a former smoker so he understands.
As for me nicotine was a way of self medicating for anxiety and now that I’m addressing anxiety in counseling that may not be an issue anymore.
Taking this so seriously I wrote a note:
My 5 reasons to quit smoking:
Once I even brought a pack of cigarettes to Amma asking her if she could help me quit. She held me back like a baby and fed me chocolate. When I sat up she gave me a hug for Darshan and set me off with rose petals, a hershey’s kiss and an apple.
I think she knows I relapsed. But I’m going to keep trying. Certainly I have quit drinking. Next to go is marijuana, actually I don’t smoke very much anymore and the correct meds work much better. Again I think I was self medicating. Finally the underlying issues are healing up. Will continue all follow up visits with treatment care providers. IE: Counseling and Art Therapy and regular med checks for all of next year. A good start.
Today I had one of the hardest experiences with my client who I am keeping anonymous, I had a 16 year girl come in with who has been dealing with severe depression for a few years now. She got to the point where she felt so down and so worthless she couldn’t even brush her hair, she told me she only got up to use the restroom.
Over two days and 13 hours, “I will actually smile for my schools pictures today, you made me feel like me again” ❤️
At the end of the day I want this to be a lesson to people. MENTAL HEALTH is a thing, it effects people all around the world and of all ages! PARENTS take it serious don’t just push your kids off and tell them to get over something they legitimately can’t. A CHILD should NEVER feel so worthless to not even want to brush their hair.
Mom’s on new meds guys and they seem to be working! It’s called Zyprexa aka Olanzapine. Sounded scary but it’s working great.
Had to go back to see my MD after four days of smoking cessation. We had said four months. Was prescribed Zyprexa in the hospital and I improved, let it go as I moved into remission. That was fine until I quit smoking. I have this stigma about Zyprexa, usually it’s prescribed for schizophrenia or bi polar and I’ve been feeling weird about it, because those conditions don’t apply to me. I have had two forensic neuro psych evaluations and another for Bi Polar. Then I got happy when I learned that this anti-psychotic is a major tranquilizer. It checks lots of boxes as does the Gabapentin. The big thing was that my counselor went on well deserved vaca. Left a message with her case cover person. Waiting to hear back.
Hydroxyzine 75mg Bedtime
Zyprexa 2.5 Bedtime
Gabapentin 300mg upon waking 300 lunch 600 bedtime
Tizanidine 4 mg every four hours, recurring back strain
Prozac 20 mg 10 days per month-PMS
10 Week Smoking Cessation
Klonopin ***not for long term use***
It’s working, I can feel it. If I was in patient it would be the same thing. What I want is a group. Found something but of course it’s off island. Meh.
Bottom line, thumbs up on Zyprexa, had to own it and be ok with it.
First three days were pure hell. Pulled up a chair and very seriously managed the meds. Asked my husband to dictate for me the regimen so he knows what’s going on. Signed medical authorization releases for him to call my doctor and my counselor, it’s called wrap around care. A safety net.
He’s motivated and just so willing to please and happy hear the YES and then the CLICK then a treat. We only did it for a few minutes but he understands. Getting him to understand how to lay down was difficult. Also to stay. We worked on that with concentration. He’s a watcher. First I just took a few steps away, then I left the room, then I went downstairs and he stayed until I called for him. He was hesitant to move until he heard the clicker. He makes it look easy.
Woke in lots of pain and stiffness from that walk yesterday. Starting over at one mile a day until it no longer hurts, then adding miles. Taking Milo with me. Dave and I talked about it. I asked him to share Milo with me to go walking and that I want to be his auntie. Dave said yes. Happy Day. Again tomorrow, yeah. Can’t wait to take them to the beach.
Bow Wow Wow Yippio Yippia Bow Wow Yippio Yippia.
Milo is responding happily to the sound of the clicker, he’s learned that he’s done well. Lots of positive reinforcement. Took both dogs to the beach and man did they run. A private beach, let them go for it off leash. They ran and ran and ran and ran. Then they went swimming. Milo is a very graceful swimmer. He and Buddy stayed together, Milo let Buddy lead them. Sweet dogs. Had to shower them down with the hose when we returned. They are now crashed out and no longer rowdy.
My favorite dream and ever since I can feel it. His birthday and when he died. It was the dream that started it. Best dream ever.
I was walking along a river and there was this little path and I followed it away from the river. After a while I saw a cabin and began to walk over to it. There was a deck that faced the river and there were three empty rocking chairs, rocking in the wind. Looked down at my hand on the hand rail and when I looked back up, there was Joseph Campbell and Jerry Garcia, fishing. (tired, more later on what they said to me, ps, I caught the golden fish.)
Only saw them once in Berkeley at The Greek when I was living in the commune. That was later raided but that’s another story.
The concert was an anomaly. There are no records of it or recordings. The line up was The Grateful Dead, Bob Dylan and Tom Petty.When Bob Dylan performed first he played Everyone Must Get Stoned then he played How Does It Feel?
Have to use drugs. Patches, gum, prozac, klonopin.
I’m not like all militant about it, giving myself time to transition. If I have break through cigs, so what. Just went from smoking a pack a day to smoking only 2 cigarettes today. And when I did smoke it was directly related to drinking coffee. Even if it’s decaf, I still smoke when I drink it.
I think if I can get out of bed and immediately lace up my running shoes, I can make it out the door without coffee. That’s a big pattern changer. Have said this before, I don’t smoke when I run. Addiction falls away effortlessly. Making the switch to Gatorade.
Day one of taking him on a long walk. Picked him up at his house and he was happily surprised. He’s awesome on a lead, did not pull me one time. Broke through my fear of the coyotes on the south end. All I had in my back pack was gatorade and we stopped several times to drink it. Can’t believe it. He drank it from my hand and still licked the bottle. I was so thirsty I didn’t care and drank from the bottle anyway. We walked about 2 miles and by the end of it he was tired, luckily my husband drove by and picked us up. Will only be able to walk him a mile or it will be too difficult for him. So much for running with him, his legs are just too short. It got me off my ass, didn’t smoke a cigarette till I got home for coffee. Tomorrow I’ll run solo. Scrambling for music to take with me.
*won day after day in this boat @ Whidbey Island Race Week. just wanted to race without jon to see how i would do. one day I woke and couldn’t move, my ribs, both sides, solid bruises from my ribs to my hips. went from big boats to that little thing with the swing in one day and it rocked to trophy right off the bat. and to top it off, the trophy presenter was brad butler. it was awesome.
So I guess I’m a do as I say not as I do sports mom.
Little man just danced into the house and I met him with a big smile. How was sailing camp! He said it was awesome. They took the boats out on day one and he watched a boat flip. The crew got confused and kept trimming, it was great he said. Bet they were going fast I said. Yeah, they were going really fast. Haven’t seen him this happy in a long time. So animated and excited.
The Saab has finally moved on to its final resting place and we will find my son another vehicle asap. There was this moment last week and I was 50/50, leave the car sit forever or send it back to Nate, for keeps. I said something like, half of me wants to never see it again, the other half says don’t touch it. The very next morning it was gone. Closure. Whew. Two tons of emotional weight lifted. And he brought home flowers.
He tried to open a conversation about registering little man for sailing camp. I went straight to being so burnt out I couldn’t even discuss it. So he registered little man and before I had a chance to mention to little man that he doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t like sailing, they were at sailing camp.
All of the kids went to sailing camp and got certificates, so of course he would register little man. It’s the same stress as registering our daughter for drivers ed. I couldn’t participate in the conversation. It’s been ten months and now she has her driver’s license.
Same stress I feel about them skateboarding and the same stress of snowboarding. By now helmets should be a requirement for sailing camp.
As for me, done. The love of sailing ruined. No interest what so ever. It’s been three years. Used to be we would ask all the time, especially when the kids were little. We don’t ask anymore. It’s his toy. He doesn’t like to play with it unless he can compete. Once in a while if he notices we’re all depressed he’ll be thinking, I know what will cheer them up, hey guys let’s take the boat out. Everyone walks away from him. It’s so much work. It requires a basic medium of teamwork. We haven’t been on the same page like that in a while. Wonder if he’s figured it out. Not once in all these years have we ever even had an easy going day sail to Tides Tavern. Tie up the boat, walk up the dock have lunch on the sunny deck with a view of the marina and sail home. No interest what so ever. So we can agree on that part, No interest what so ever.
*Yeah, that wasn’t about the boat, it was about the Saab. Stuck and couldn’t move on. A constant reminder of an old argument about car insurance that I obviously lost. Regret that I let it slide with an argument instead of taking him to task for not having it. My husband even suggested that had we put our foot down, he might still be here. And yeah, with all that floating around in my head, no I didn’t want to sail. Needed closure to move on to experience happy things again.
i open three windows of it.
Art Therapy self reflection on session work.
running it by my pretend youtube counselor, Sister Unity.
We, my counselor and I discussed inpatient substance abuse inpatient treatment: nicotine & marijuana. Came home and discussed it with Jon. Have already discussed smoking cessation with my doctor, all who are concerned.
So serious a proposition none of us believe it’s a good time to pick a quit date.
The last time I went on Wellbutrin and it fucked me up for the four weeks to kick in and the three months to process out. Was a basket case the entire time.
Have quit marijuana before, like any medication it stalls after a while and I’m back in low zone. It’s not all like alcohol. There are new studies on it’s relaxing benefits. but what it does for me is block dreams. Without it: First night, flashing images. Second night struggle dreams. Third night dreams like a disney acid trip. Causes PTSD, insomnia, anxiety, and a full relapse into acute panic. Then the insomnia visits. A week of sleep deprivation and I have regressed a year or more. My doctor had at one point even wrote a letter for court on my behalf, that the cessation of Med Marijuana would be traumatic.
Once I tried patches, became allergic to the glue adhesive and my skin blew up like a red tomato and I was admitted to ICU. They fixed the glue thing so I’m not afraid to try patches again.
I just get to this steady point. Ok I’m better now, time to quit smoking. No, we’re not doing that again. Let’s let this remission float a while and work on a new plan for smoking cessation.
Jon called and asked me to sit down. His voice was shaky.
He opened his mail and there was a 1st Place Trophy from the Switftsure International: 1st in division, 3rd overall long course. A letter of congratulations from the chair.
Jon mentioned he had heard the 4 Toot Horn Of Shame but didn’t know who it was. So the freighter capt made a protest that went over all radios including but not limited to race committee. Ouch.
We didn’t know that our boat was in the photo and we had no idea we would win it, everyone just did their best like always. Yes there was pressure because of the poster and Jon & Company delivered.
Only have to do these med checks every four months now instead of every four weeks. 10 simple questions score of 3 down from 5. Also explored Bi Polar diagnosis but it doesn’t quite fit me. Meh. However, there is something about tilting that way after major depression becomes minor depression. Have to lower the dose of SSRI because high levels SSRI with minor depression does cause hypo mania. Prozac Tilt Factor. If the hypo mania becomes an issue, we discussed the next line of med defense. Lithium and there are several others. Apparently there is success with Lithium in cyclical major depression. More importantly I’m STAYING SOBER.
While the major depression was so stubborn to treat, it took 8 weeks on prozac until I was stable. Now it only takes a few days. PMS is also a factor, prescribed to take 10 days of it before menses cycle. It works great for PMS I could totally tell when I was on Prozac, no PMS, what relief! I didn’t know I could take it just for PMS.
Knew the Gabapentin was a significant factor in my recovery, prescribed the same dose as when I was hospitalized, and for the next four months.
Happy to see that I’ve lost about 10 pounds since my last visit, the exercise is helping a lot. Almost ready to pick a quit date for smoking cessation. Have seriously freaked out every time I’ve tried to quit, except when hospitalized because I was thoroughly sedated. Panic and Acute Panic attacks. Knowing that, this time I’m trying patches, gum and Klonopin for six weeks after I pick the quit date. Quitting feels extremely risky. Like if this doesn’t work, it’s hospitalization. Still willing to try again.
Finally, yes on the Hydroxyzine for occasional insomnia.
Meds for smoking cessation, no quit date, more therapy first.
Re check in four months.
Took some time off going back this week.
Med Check & Art Therapy. Mostly the focus has been on crisis management. Stabilization and creation of safety plan.
Talking with my husband about which drugs worked at certain times and then stalled.
The only drug that has helped every single day is Gabapentin at the same dose prescribed back in November @ hospital. It makes me puffy have gained weight in an old lady way. Will just have to exercise more about that. But yeah, stayed on it this entire time. Had this quick talk with this woman who said, Man I never want to have to take meds daily for the rest of my life. Like blood pressure meds and stuff. I was thinking to myself I remembering being healthy like that and saying things like that. Now I’ve been on this drug nearly a year and wow, staying on it. Once in a while struggle with anxiety based insomnia and have discovered that hydroxyzine prescribed to be taken up to 4 times a day- works at 75 mg an hour before bed to crush the anxiety based insomnia and have a restful sleep.
With counseling I’m going back to Vashon Youth and Family Services. They would never re hire Jeffrey Zheutlin so I don’t have to worry about seeing him there. And I do feel safe there. It is safe there again. Little man and Jon also feel safe there.
The counties with the highest use rate of the state exchange are rural: Adams, Okanogan and Yakima. They’re east of the Cascades and they voted for Donald Trump. Adams County had the highest use rate, 50 percent. In the election, 66 percent of voters chose Trump.
Those maps show where the exchange has had the greatest rate of participation in the state: Trump country.
Maybe it’s because there isn’t a state income tax, counties surrounding Seattle proper are amazon, starbucks, boeing and microsoft country. Ironic that voters who support a $15.00 dollar min wage don’t support income tax, right? If there were a state income tax, min wage voters would not be paying it. Trump supporters wouldn’t be paying it. But I digress. Republicans in Washington state ought to be thanking Senator McCain but they don’t realize it.
He’s coming back in a little while for Free Concerts In The Park. He was here in April for the adults. It’s really nice when he plays for the kids.
Eye of the beholder.
“Love this business! They are the best around!” a user wrote. “He is incredibly involved in trying to find a solution to the problem! He’s smack dab in the middle of it having to try to police his own business and protect his clients! Maybe, just maybe this will bring some attention to a matter that has been out of control for far too long!”
We played National Parks Monopoly and went out for dinner.
When he woke he said he had the coolest awesomest dream. He said I gave him A Zombie Apocalypse Survival Toolkit.
Visceral physical reaction to letting myself remember being on the rez with Doug. When all that crazy shit went down. Can’t find another way to say how I felt about what I thought was happening. It was non stop.
Where I was when I puked. We were in this sweat lodge at night. It was hot by day hot at night no difference in intensity. Constant draining heat. It was still and there was no breeze, no relief. Joe Little Coyote ran the lodge and I sat next to him. Doug was the doorman. He sat with his back to the door facing east and pulled the blankets down during a round and rolled them up afterward.
I was toast to begin with. Had to sit straight up not move a muscle for however long. Who knows how hot it got. Seriously I can’t believe that happened. That’s when I puked. Then it felt like a freight train. I couldn’t really open my eyes it was too hard. They were singing this song over the noise. But the times they were open I thought I saw Doug leave and I could not respond in anyway. Then it was dark and quiet again. That happened several times. When it was over and I went out and laid out on my back I looked up at the stars and they were spinning very fast. Couldn’t move, gravitron style.
Doug stayed with me until I could stand up and walk again. On the way back I asked him if he left. He had this look of astonishment on his face. Asked me like, so you didn’t see it. I was like passed out or something I was there yeah but I couldn’t open my eyes. He said something like and he said the word tornado blew the door off and he had to go find it and bring it back and put it back on again and again until it was over.
That was like when we first got there. Dominoes after and we never spoke of it. Never asked. Moved on to the next whatever. Open mind. I didn’t know who Joe was, referred to him as bossy yoda dude. I knew he was someone’s dad, but that’s it. He was standing in for someone else.
Think I’m ok, the puke has passed.
This morning I remembered more. When the stars stopped spinning I got up to look for my moccasins. The moccasins thing was a big deal. Had to go to this special class on how to make them, with Doug. An expedition to find all the stuff to make them. On the drive I kept them in the glove box and finished sewing them on the way out there. In fact Doug was driving while I was sewing and up we looked up at the sky and there was a dark anvil shape forming in the clouds, we stayed ahead of it. That night after the lodge I could only find one of them. We looked every where. Just couldn’t believe it. Had to walk back like that. Everyone had a good laugh. Teased me and called me One Moccasin Woman. And what was I supposed to do about it? Had to show up in one moccasin.
Fast forward to the last night there. There was a huge full moon that cast this light and shadow over tent, sort of turning it into a puppet screen. First I was dreaming about a pack of dogs then I heard them checking out the tent and could see their shadows. Big ears. One of them peed on the tent. Was so tired I was sleeping with my head outside of the open tent. All I could do was wait for it to walk around see me and rip my face off or something. Wanted to scream couldn’t whisper. It smelled my face, turned to its friend and motion like, let’s roll dude and I fell back asleep.
No Milo and I was able to shower, brush my teeth, wash my hair and put clean clothes on all in the same day. Avoided total showdown with my daughter over driving cars. Upset her when I asked her to role play with me and I pretended to be a cop pulling her over. 1. Doesn’t have copy of her driver’s license. Sketchy even if she has it, she doesn’t have it. Has to wait for it to arrive in the mail. She’s worked so hard to get here and I’m happy to be happy for her and with her and first things first. Really surprised that preparing driver’s for that first time getting pulled over really isn’t covered in class. We didn’t even go there about how to deal with fender benders and exchanging insurance information. Rj and I went round and round over that. Our biggest argument, his face changed colors and his eyes were defiant and he said, I don’t believe in insurance…
Last night Jon mentioned the Saab that just came out of the shop, has again lost reverse. It’s not like we didn’t talk about that happening. Teaching him how to drive a stick on that car would be expensive. Have to let them make their own mistakes. 500 bucks to repair reverse. I was very clear, the banging when putting the transmission into gear. Every time you hear that sound, 20 bucks, 5 times and it will stop running, will need a tow to the shop. So last night I went out and yup, reverse is gone, had to baby it back down the driveway to pull it back into the spot it was in the first place 5 years ago when RJ hit it.
There was a beautiful model tonight. She was different from all the others. She smiled with every gesture and made it look so easy. Her smile floated her gestures. She wore a flower in her hair and very much reminded me of Billie Holiday. Cropping and need to rip out film from a slide to have a little window to look through. Took 3 pages of notes, another terrific lecture and that’s it. Finished the study. Have a month off and then back for applying everything to longer sessions sans instruction.
Things were all switched up today. Attended counseling session with my son, usually Jon attends. Little man also went to class with me, played with the instructors daughter in the yard. Home and my daughter took the dog to the park driving her car solo. Wow. Just wow.
An incredible family. What a story. Do I have the nerve? Guess I thought that when Eugene was elected tribal president/chief that someone else would tell it. Of course I didn’t know he would be dragged off by the BIA . Or that he would become the last Chief of The Northern Cheyenne. Or that the rez sat on top of the United States largest deposit of coal. Or anything about Senator John McCain and the US interest in the coal. Or that the coal cleans the largest water aquifer. Or that Doug would die. All I knew for certain was that I was thirsty and they gave me water. Water really is more precious than gold.
So it’s still a HOT button issue. What with Pence riding horses with cowboys in Montana and all. Apparently some people still like to play cowboys and Indians.
Dave called. Taking his niece to pool, will you watch Milo?
Guess he ate 12 pounds of kibble and got butt sick all over the passenger seat in Dave’s new car.
Found skeletal remains of a deer and a raccoon. Both outside of the fence. They weren’t there the last time I was out there. Shocked. Has to be coyotes or cougar, prefer coyotes. Happy Milo was with me. He was excellent on his lead. Ignored a big dog barking at him on the road. So impressed. May take him for a run. Maybe. Probably. Have this whole route ironed out. Rarely see people. Need to ditch water. Could end a nice on leash run at the beach, off leash and see if he would like to swim. It would really mellow him out. Bet he could easily run 5 miles. We could start with 3. Will talk to Dave in the am.
Got this for you at festival.
Thank you little man. I love it.
Buddy is smart, tried to teach Milo a lesson of his own.
Gave Buddy a bone outside and went inside with Milo to the mud room, closed it up and also gave Milo a bone. A few minutes later Buddy hid Buddy’s bone and waited for Milo to come out of the mud room. Buddy: This is actually my house, so both bones are mine. Milo would have beat him up.
Then Buddy showed me that he knows Milo is wearing Buddy’s invisible fence collar. Buddy was all BMOC strutting around the yard as if to say, “Look at me, I’m a happy prancer, ha ha, I can walk all the way over to the car… and touch it.”
Buddy is in time out in a separate room with a new bone. Will have to keep Buddy in when Milo goes out and keep Milo in when Buddy goes out for the rest of the day.
Got the bones to introduce to Milo the concept of “kennel up”. Buddy loves his kennel, we had no problem crate training him from 8 weeks. We just made it fun, cozy and comfortable for him. Milo has no clue. But he’s learning that when he’s in the mud room he has everything he needs, Buddy isn’t in his face and he can enjoy his bone in peace. The kennel isn’t associated with banishment but happy alone time.
Would not be working with this dog at all if not for other pitbulls. The first big pitbull day was with a dog this guy left his dog here, somebody’s friend, I dunno, she was hooked by a choker over a log. Every time the dog tried to pull away she was strangling herself. She was fully pinned down by the neck. This was how we met. She was in a ferocious state of panic. I just sat down for a while and spoke softly and calmly and crept closer avoiding eye contact until I could reach her release clip. It took a while. The other was catching a pitbull who literally flew out of a vw van when the van went around a corner and the door slid open and the dog rolled like a ball into my arms.
Turns out it was just a temp job for festival. Might not see Milo again for another year. Happy we made friends while he’s a puppy.
Much earlier today. Next week will be all different, this is Festival weekend. Today Jon was here, a first. Was looking forward to introducing Jon and Milo. Milo would not stop for a pet, hello or eye contact. In fact he completely ignored Jon. Asked Jon to call him, Milo would not respond to him at all. Then I whistled and he ran to me and kissed my face. So that’s the good and bad of it. Looked at Jon and said, Well you know what that means. Yup, no arguing or he’ll bite me. Yup. At least he doesn’t not like you. Will have to keep him on a lead.
Searched videos on teaching a dog Leave It in under one minute. There are indeed many ways, but none under a minute. Taught Milo in under 30 seconds. *Seattle Service Dog Academy’s Mark McKnight taught me. She was smiling while she said, “Do you really wanna know how to train a dog leave it?” It’s so easy. She can teach a dog leave it in a hyper second. She just upped the treat ante.
Kibbles, one piece at a time as a treat whenever the dog sits, right? It’s like that. Asked Milo to sit, then he gets a treat and is in the zone.
Dogs have awesome sense of smell. Had a piece of chicken in one hand, kibble in the other. Offered Milo the kibble which he automatically went for and I asked him to leave it and floated the chicken smell by his nose. His eyes went directly from the kibble hand to the chicken hand, so he got the chicken treat. We only did it three times but he got it, will do that again in an hour or so and see how he does.
Buddy is so helpful. Sets a wonderful example. Set up the mud room for them, separate door that is open, it’s the coldest floor in the house, shade, water all that. Asked them to lay down, Buddy immediately flopped down. Did that exercise over and over. Milo is getting the hang of it. They are beginning to do things in unison. If I ask them to go outside, they run out together.