Landed the Thursday Meditation.

They have been doing it consistently for several years and for whatever reason, it’s Friday already and I missed it.  This Thursday was different.  I became very emotional. Lonely.

Maybe I’m over sedated.  I take this med that is in a circle without a score to cut in half.  Half in the am half in the pm.  When I try to cut it, it goes flying everywhere, so I’ve just been taking it at night or in a stressful morning full dose.  Part of my safety plan is to phone a friend on my list and tonight I called Carolyn. She moved out of state and I miss her terribly.

She’s married to this great guy who has Parkinson’s.  He’s an amazing photographer. He studied with Ansel Adams. Parkinson’s or not he’s still working.  Carolyn drives him everywhere he gets a feeling about new works, maybe it’s the light maybe it’s the darkness.

So I don’t bother her too much.  She’s been to the hospital with me. She’s asked emt’s to treat me well when I had to be transported to the hospital for a stupid ordeal.  It was father’s day so I thought I would take care of the recycling and loaded up the car.  It had a dead battery so I tried to double clutch it in reverse. So the way to do that going backwards down a hill is to have it in first gear, not reverse. Lesson learned.  The car was at the end of the driveway but with room to try and to this trip in the big truck.   Had to gun it a bit over a bump and then I when I put my foot to the brakes, nothing. Had to just hold the wheel and wait for the crash going backwards.  So I crashed my husbands truck into my husbands car and called Carolyn freaking out. I needed a tow truck because the vehicles were now blocking the street and I think Jon was in Colorado.  This  was after the other crash and back then my sentences were  backwards and I was not making sense so she came over to check on me, saw the mess and called an aid car.

We’re planning a visit soon.  I’m much calmer after talking with her. I cried and had to stop myself or she would have also cried.

I shifted and rattled off these ideas my counselor gave me.  Things no one ever told me before.  Then I took it to another level. Carolyn loved it, said I am the best writer she knows and asked me to write it all down again and publish it and send it to her, so here goes.

When anxiety is near:  General Statements

I’m going to be all right.  My feelings are not always rational.  I’m just going to relax calm down and everything will be all right.  Anxiety is not dangerous it’s just uncomfortable.  I am ok.  I’ll just continue w/what I’m doing or find something active to do.  Right now I have some feelings I don’t like.  They are really just phantoms, however, because I’ve named them they are disappearing. I always feel better when I take one and another deep breath.  I have often been successful recovering from stress. I will be ok.  right now I have feelings that feel crushing.  This will be over soon and I’ll be ok. For now I’ll just go on doing something else around me. That picture in my head is not healthy or rational.  Instead I’m going to focus on something healthy like exercise.  I’ve stopped my negative thoughts before and I’m going to do it again.  I am becoming better and better at deflecting these “Automatic Negative Thoughts” aka ANTS and that makes me happy. So I feel a little anxiety, SO WHAT. It’s not like it’s the first time.  I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going.  This will help me get better. It’s sort of like a bad dream.  I want to make it go away.  I know I’ve done this before.  I’ve always been successful @ shifting my mood back to Bob Marley positive vibrations!  It’s likely I’ll be successful. I do feel better when I take a deep breath.  I want to be happy.  It’s likely that I will be happy when this dark cloud passes and it will. I’m sure of it.

Found a technological way out tonight. Listening to two songs at the same time turned the volume slightly down on the ocean playing krishna a little louder and it works and listening all night on repeat…wishing for a brain chip so things could click in a bit faster.

 

Carolyn’s response:  Reminded her of this…

GOD GAVE ME A WORD, by Rev. Amy Petrie Shaw
I was talking with God the other day, ‘cause we’re cool like that.
And God said “Hey, I want you to tell people something.”
And I was kinda busy, so I pretended like I didn’t hear.
And God poked me and said, “I ain’t kidding. Pay attention,”
(‘cause while we’re cool, we ain’t that cool
And I know when I have pushed it way too far.)
So I put down my coffee cup and I turned around.
And God said, “Let me hang a Word around your neck, so that Everyone can see it. And you better speak it when you’re out, ‘cause I’ll know if you don’t.
And it will be heavy,
So heavy,
On your soul.”
And a Word was hung around my neck to take out to the people standing in the streets.
A Word was preached into my ear and laid into my mouth and burned into my Heart until all I could see was the shape of the Word and the Word was all.
And the Word was Love.
And God said “Now get out because
You ain’t got all day, and that Word is gonna get heavier.
And you got some walking yet to do.
So I’m taking my Word out into the world.
Love came down on this green earth.
Love came down and turned over the tables and set the world on its end
Love made it clear that it was the Word for the poor and the broken hearted. For the queer boi and the angry girl.
Love was the Word for late night hookers and the long haul truckers, for the
heroin junkie and the runaway cutters.
Love was the Word for all of the f***ed up and pushed over and too tired and I can’t take no more.
Love was the Word for the HIV patient and the man with no papers.
Love was the Word for me and for you, for the saints and the sinners and the scramblers in between.
Love came down and made a way
for there to be a way
and then
Love said “We are never going back.”
(he who has ears let him hear)
Love said we are all a part of something bigger and if you cannot rise with us, if you
cannot Love with us
then you should get the Hell out of the way because
We ain’t going anywhere and you
are in the path.
(he who has ears let him hear)
Love came down for the World to know and
I’m holding out this Word so
even when you and God are just like that you can’t pretend you didn’t know.
I cannot put it down.
Not for a politician spewing hatred.
Not for a minister vomiting out bile in the costume of a saint.
Not for money or for country or for kin.
I’m holding my Word in my mouth
‘Cause the next time I see God I wanna be able to say “You gave me a Word and I carried it just the way you asked.”
You gave it to me and I took it.
I showed it to everyone I met.
You gave it to me and I showed it to her and gher and ze and him.
I showed it to them and they and those over there.
I never put it down.
(I can never put it down).
I was talking with God the other day, ‘cause we’re cool like that.
And God said “Hey, I want you to tell people something.”
And I was still kinda busy, so I pretended like I didn’t hear.
And God said, “I ain’t kidding. Pay attention,”
(‘cause while we’re cool, we ain’t that cool
And I know when I have pushed it way too far.)
So I put down my coffee cup and I turned around.
And then God gave me a Word.
And now I’ve given it to you.
Start moving.
Rev. Amy Petrie Shaw
On Fri, Sep 8, 2017 at 8:41 AM Carolyn Anderson  wrote:
Just read it and now I am crying! Love you to pieces bright soul. Keep swimming above water. If you take a dive down know that the dark is also beautiful but you must come up for air.
Xoxo xoxo

 

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