They have been doing it consistently for several years and for whatever reason, it’s Friday already and I missed it. This Thursday was different. I became very emotional. Lonely.
Maybe I’m over sedated. I take this med that is in a circle without a score to cut in half. Half in the am half in the pm. When I try to cut it, it goes flying everywhere, so I’ve just been taking it at night or in a stressful morning full dose. Part of my safety plan is to phone a friend on my list and tonight I called Carolyn. She moved out of state and I miss her terribly.
She’s married to this great guy who has Parkinson’s. He’s an amazing photographer. He studied with Ansel Adams. Parkinson’s or not he’s still working. Carolyn drives him everywhere he gets a feeling about new works, maybe it’s the light maybe it’s the darkness.
So I don’t bother her too much. She’s been to the hospital with me. She’s asked emt’s to treat me well when I had to be transported to the hospital for a stupid ordeal. It was father’s day so I thought I would take care of the recycling and loaded up the car. It had a dead battery so I tried to double clutch it in reverse. So the way to do that going backwards down a hill is to have it in first gear, not reverse. Lesson learned. The car was at the end of the driveway but with room to try and to this trip in the big truck. Had to gun it a bit over a bump and then I when I put my foot to the brakes, nothing. Had to just hold the wheel and wait for the crash going backwards. So I crashed my husbands truck into my husbands car and called Carolyn freaking out. I needed a tow truck because the vehicles were now blocking the street and I think Jon was in Colorado. This was after the other crash and back then my sentences were backwards and I was not making sense so she came over to check on me, saw the mess and called an aid car.
We’re planning a visit soon. I’m much calmer after talking with her. I cried and had to stop myself or she would have also cried.
I shifted and rattled off these ideas my counselor gave me. Things no one ever told me before. Then I took it to another level. Carolyn loved it, said I am the best writer she knows and asked me to write it all down again and publish it and send it to her, so here goes.
When anxiety is near: General Statements
I’m going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational. I’m just going to relax calm down and everything will be all right. Anxiety is not dangerous it’s just uncomfortable. I am ok. I’ll just continue w/what I’m doing or find something active to do. Right now I have some feelings I don’t like. They are really just phantoms, however, because I’ve named them they are disappearing. I always feel better when I take one and another deep breath. I have often been successful recovering from stress. I will be ok. right now I have feelings that feel crushing. This will be over soon and I’ll be ok. For now I’ll just go on doing something else around me. That picture in my head is not healthy or rational. Instead I’m going to focus on something healthy like exercise. I’ve stopped my negative thoughts before and I’m going to do it again. I am becoming better and better at deflecting these “Automatic Negative Thoughts” aka ANTS and that makes me happy. So I feel a little anxiety, SO WHAT. It’s not like it’s the first time. I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going. This will help me get better. It’s sort of like a bad dream. I want to make it go away. I know I’ve done this before. I’ve always been successful @ shifting my mood back to Bob Marley positive vibrations! It’s likely I’ll be successful. I do feel better when I take a deep breath. I want to be happy. It’s likely that I will be happy when this dark cloud passes and it will. I’m sure of it.
Found a technological way out tonight. Listening to two songs at the same time turned the volume slightly down on the ocean playing krishna a little louder and it works and listening all night on repeat…wishing for a brain chip so things could click in a bit faster.
Carolyn’s response: Reminded her of this…
Just read it and now I am crying! Love you to pieces bright soul. Keep swimming above water. If you take a dive down know that the dark is also beautiful but you must come up for air.Xoxo xoxo