Prozac and Gabapentin daily with steeled discipline seem to be getting me through the winter. Like a hibernating bear I am soulfully thirsty for sleep. These drugs are helping me stay rested. All winter the house has been quiet. Well, except for the house wrens fluttering in the plaster walls during the freeze. A flock of them came in at sunset and flew off at sunrise. The coldest part is over no matter what the weather man says, the wrens have left and the crocus are popping up in larger numbers.
I remember last winter, peeking out the windows watching for sunlight and suffering. I’m getting better at managing depression. In recent years I began taking Prozac in October and went off by February. Met Gabapentin in November and with Prozac all winter it seems to have tipped the scales in favor of wellness. Last summer I couldn’t wait to get off anti depressants, not this year. Coming back from major depression is harder and it’s taking longer.
Thanking God for stopping in our little pharmacy to fill scripts for meds and finding the flu shot station. Our little clinic re-opened but in October, they were not able to source any flu shots for children. So lucky our pharmacy was able to source some and my son and I dodged the flu while my husband sank to near pneumonia. This was a year that the flu shots were a good match for the season. This was the year that changed my husband’s mind about flu shots. He’ll be in line with us timely for them next year.
Giving thanks also for all the little things I managed like quitting smoking and drinking even coffee back in November. It took both patches and gum but it made a huge difference. All these were prescriptions that arose in November’s hospital stay for depression. Counting my blessings and as I write, giving myself slack for all the sleep. If I had not slept so much with long naps in the day I wouldn’t have been able to wake in the middle of the night to keep the fire going so the house would be warm for the morning.
The groups in treatment were useful and helpful. Regretting that I haven’t been able to find a grief group or something timely that could be considered outpatient treatment. The bummer of living so isolated.
The band has issued this song on the eve of the Inauguration of President-Elect Donald Trump to serve as commentary on a politically-charged, historical moment.
Showed this to my husband. He didn’t know what to say. It isn’t really meant to be, say, liked as much as it is to haunt. There was a troupe from Japan who perfomed authentic Butoh in Seattle 20 years ago. Some people couldn’t sit with it and walked out and it was easy to see how this art form was orginally banned in Japan. It’s difficult to watch the expression of terror.
The sun yesterday was glorious. My husband and son spent the better part of it working on the boat. It was warm down on the water they were wearing black and soaking up the heat. Nice because my husband had to dive to change a zinc.
This morning, not so nice. It was so cold this morning, freezing. One of the coldest race days in recent memory, guessing 5 years? One day diving, yacht racing the next. So hard core and they all do it.
This is the first race of the Southern Sound Series. It’s been sketchy off and on over the last few years, twice being cancelled abruptly due to weather. The most exciting moment of this race is rounding the mark at Alki PT. Well and sailing by the lighthouse- (one day I will order photos direct from race photographer- in the link wearing pink at the helm. ) The link is from 2013, we were 2nd in section. The photographer’s boat zoom zoomed around us as we rounded the lighthouse at high tide.
It’s been 5 days since the race and my husband is still recovering. He was fighting a cold before he dove. Usually he gives himself time to recover from the dive before he races. On race day his voice was gone, bummer. They back winded and then a huge broach, spinning the boat in a circle in an incredible wipe out. While they had been in a possible win position, the boats walked right by them at the finish. They finished last in section. So he came home defeated and laid down for 24 hours straight and has been coughing and fighting a fever. In 20 years I have never seen him this trashed. He said he was hallucinating in his dreams about the nearly finished puzzle. Leaving us all feeling guilty four of us worked all day on it and finished it last night, surprising him when he came home from work.
Snowboarding season begins today. Taking four kids snowboarding is challenging but I’ve done it. Panic and Anxiety came to visit late last night over it. With a little post traumatic stress over certain memories of our adventures together. Like the year my kids launched our youngest down the hill laying down on his board. They thought my husband would make the stop and we were all horrified when the board blew passed him like a torpedo. He was a slow and old goalie who totally failed us but I made the save. Racing past my husband and throwing myself arms extended through the air and catching my sons feet bringing him and the board to a full stop. That’s when I began to turn gray while still young enough to laugh about it.
When I was confident they all knew what was going on, sent them up the mountain without me. My secret was that for years, RJ Ontiveros, their “manny”- was a pro boarder who worked up there as a snowboarding instructor. This was a kid who in the summer practiced his snowboarding jumps on his skateboard, while on his trampoline. When I felt nervous I would call him and he would give me his eye in the sky reports on the kids. When Rj died in Oct 2014, we stopped snowboarding. This after ten years of the sport but everything had stopped, everything in our lives had changed forever.
Then there was the long and powerful lecture on the return to riding from Nana. Nana and Umpa raised their grand daughters snowboarding on Saturdays and Church on Sundays along with our family. (these were the only kids who attended this church for years, btw.) Umpa died peacefully in his sleep before Thanksgiving the year before and then Rj died and some time went by and Nana called to kick my ass. She basically ordered me to put my daughter back on the bus up the mountain with her grand daughters. I remember saying, “I hesitate, death in the family, Rj was my eye in the sky up there.” She with a firm tone said, “Well let me give you another view.” “Death? she said, do you think we don’t know about death?” By the end of the call I was seeing 20/20 again. In fact that Christmas she helped me pay for everything, lessons, the season pass, food and ferry fare. She’s like that. She and Umpa made sure my daughter had her own computer since she was 10, getting her a new one each year for several years in a row.
The goal has been to take them all up to Alyeska for a holiday, but that’s something I would never do without Rj. Little man sat out this season and Jon and I are getting too old for it. Paint ball parties are just as fun. That and we’re really enjoying stand up paddleboarding. Found two pair of boots and boards from when the kids were little. They look like doll toys.