Rouse the sleeping family by opening and closing doors. The front door a bit of stomping on the porch and then the door to the wood stove. Sort of complaining with energy. Found him in the dining room working the new 1500 piece Ravensburger puzzle laid out two days ago. I took the bait and got out of bed to see what’s going on and making a pot of coffee and turning on NPR for background noise slowly waking up the house. He asked me to tow a truck with him and make a space in his garage to work on my daughter’s car.
Woke my oldest son and asked him to help Grandpa Dad on holiday. We shifted everyone’s cars and trucks around for a while and took turns on the puzzle sometimes speaking to each other, mostly listening to This American Life and giggling quietly to our selves. This is our second puzzle. Our first was one of the Christmas gifts we finished in one night. That was just 500 pieces. This one will take days. Our tree has been taken down and we are quietly feeling the newness of the open space in the living room.
Just as we got my daughter’s car in the garage it began to rain and snow. Our Grandpa Dad has now had his coffee and conversation and is content with waking us all up and then disappeared into his garage leaving us to ourselves. The puzzles are a wonderful thing for him. Now he will be busy all day back and forth between working on his cars and stopping to sit and work on the puzzle. The puzzles are a wonderful thing for all of us. It is something to sit with each other in silence with such focus.
It was three years ago that Rj was with us for Christmas, 2013. He brought Settlers of Catan. He played with our youngest son and lifted him over his head doing push ups up to the ceiling. My son’s face was touching the ceiling and Rj called out, use your arms and push back! It was so special a moment of laughter and joy. Rj was so strong. It was his last Christmas as he died in Oct 2014. Today was Time to visit him. My first visit. It was all waiting to happen. There was the gardener of the church just happened to stop by and gave me permission to plant some crocus from my garden. We were met by Abbot Tryphon for support. Who knew this would also be the year that Rj’s dad would pass on a gift to our son. Rj’s collection of his Harry Potter books. Those are Rj’s Grandparents handprints and Rj’s in the center, all passed and laid to rest together. Somehow I feel better. Had to wait until I could do it without falling apart, our last Christmas was so special. That he took the time to come over and play on Christmas Eve, when he could have celebrated anywhere. He felt at home with us and we will always remember him in beauty. He Walks In Beauty.
Feeling tired, hoping as the minutes change bringing the light it will recharge my batteries. Sleeping so much. Upped my prozac to daily 20mg. Takes a few weeks to recognize the difference. Happy to be on these meds, the gabapentin seems to be making the most difference. Might be the drug that makes me sleepy. Also keeping me off marijuana, a good thing. I was totally self medicating with the marijuana use. And then the klonopin also sedating. Taking them faithfully. Staying mellow and dreaming of spring. Going slow adjusting to the drugs. Adjusting to being a non smoker and laying off the alcohol. A sober holiday. A sleepy holiday. Very thirsty for the sleep. My family is making the holiday happen, the tree, the cookies and they redesigned the living room. Sweeping up all the dust bunnies, giving me a well needed rest. Not turning out any art. Too tired. They managed to turn the baby grand around, when I go downstairs the keyboard faces me. Actually sat down and played some scales. It’s funny I love to play but when the kids are on the xbox they ask me to be quiet. So I do. Doesn’t happen over night or even in a course of weeks or months. My husband says each episode of panic and anxiety holds me back four to six months. So be it. 7 weeks post hospitalization for suicidal ideations, a terrible set back into clinical depression. Part of it was the wellbutrin- to quit smoking. It was actually causing panic attacks and quiet lurking side effects. Was on it for eight weeks.
Wasn’t long ago that Rj came by on Christmas and brought his board game, settlers of catan to play with us. He did push ups with Jonny over his head pushing him up to the ceiling with Jonny giggling and Rj laughing and asking him to push back against the ceiling. This year we’re playing cards against humanity, poker and long games of monopoly, the national park version.
Still haven’t been to the site where he’s resting.