found the bird in a leaky package at the bottom of the fridge. baked it a bit and tossed in the pot with carrots and celery and egg noodles. Little man is actually eating it because he likes it. boiled the broth all night and it worked out nicely. I had three bowls. total comfort food.
Today he said, “Chautauqua Elementary Sucks and I’m never going back.” Sigh. So be it. It’s still all about Rj’s suicide. (Rj was there for my other kids graduation from elementary school.) This backlash from my son gave me a bit of an anxiety attack today.
We recently received a somewhat cruel letter from the elementary school, dropping my son from their books due to his attendance while he’s been in treatment for depression.
Called the school requesting curriculum, but it looks like we are on our own.
We’ve been homeschooling, but out first priority is his mental health, he’s still showing signs of depression about Rj. Asking for the hoodie Rj gave him. He still likes to wear it.
We work a lot on math, art and music and cursive. He’s reading and writing is fine. In fact he doesn’t qualify for an IEP because he tested out and has no academic deficits. He’s just looking forward to middle school. We have plenty of time to prepare him academically. He’ll be showing up prepared and ready for the chaos of the first few days. He already has his science project for the science fair ready to go. So there.
Found them in the bottom drawer of the fridge. Left over, uncooked. This vegetarian/ sassy stuck up vegan went on to cook it and eat it and it was totally full of fat and I ate it because we went so far as to eat the turkey, didn’t want to waste any part of it. Suddenly feel like my Grandmother.
Now about the gizzard… still has 100% of b12 and lots of iron but no vitamin a, as compared to the liver. Interesting. Gonna eat that too, who knew?
Check out counter yesterday. Bought chocolate this and that and candy bars and she said something to me. Because in twenty years she’s never seen that behavior in me. At first I laughed and said must be craving Seratonin. Then I went through my meds and realized I’ve been out of Prozac a week now and didn’t notice. Called the pharmacy this morning and confirmed that an Rx has been there waiting for me. Whoops and sending my husband down to pick that up for me. That’s the bummer of post concussion syndrome and memory loss and managing meds. First time this has happened. Never again. I don’t eat that way and I certainly don’t buy that stuff for my kids. She knows me so well…. A week of fasting is in order just to clear the sugar.
November 1st was my quit date. Had a couple of little slips. My family totally supports this. My daughter said no slipping. No slipping. You’ll fall right back into it. She was correct. The true test of time was grocery shopping and not buying cigarettes, twice. For me I guess that means I’m over it. Everything smells clearer and tastes better.
Now it’s all about breath work. Love running. Gained ten pounds this month. This holiday was food decadent for me. Ate like a little piggy at the trough. All the dressings and seconds and thirds, ate until I fell asleep. Woke up with a bowling ball feeling in my stomach and went back into the kitchen looking for another slice of banana bread. Fat pants city till I’m ready to go running again. Reaching many miles for my skinny pants. At one point I was eating chocolate pudding with fake whip cream and covered in chocolate chips.
Breath work. Pranayama practice like an old friend I haven’t seen in a long time. Have to be able to master it to run several miles around here. It’s all vertical switchbacks. Too lazy to even walk them currently. Gave up on bringing my dog he’s just not into it. Making friends with my new elliptical. It was a gift from a friend who had to move and didn’t have the space for it. It’s great for rainy days I must say. Easy on my joints, great for muscles and breath work. It’s like mini training for when my feet actually pound the pavement.
Bonded with peeps in the luni bin. We are staying connected. We talk on the phone and a luni even came to visit. We mail letters. Isn’t that a lost art? Drawings, sketches. My favorite friend just called and he’s Native-Blackfoot. He said; Living well, mind is full. I like that. He adopted me as a cousin and now my whole family are in his prayers. Hope we get to visit soon. Very happy he called.
These are my two favorite books. Oh how they suffered. They had so much in common. As far as I have read, they never met. The themes of love sex children war. The self portraits, the art training, the 30’s even. Wow, just wow.
Back to basics. Old school Atelier style. Charcoal, then pencil, then black ink, then then black paint for a year. Then adding the color white. Then one color at a time. Sienna, terracotta, green, red, yellow.
Old school. Moved it into a smaller room. Used to be a mud room I suppose in an old farmhouse like this one or maybe the laundry room or extra pantry space. It’s tiny but it’s free compared to renting a space somewhere else. Fits perfect with a dresser to put away my art materials. So many books. Organized everything and now there is lots more space for people to play music in the living room.
I just need music. Set the drawing table directly under the 1500 watt metallic hallide blue light. Will have plenty of light this winter. When I grew plants in there it was my favorite room. I just need some kind of music. That’s why it all was in the living room, so I could listen to music and draw. Talk about getting back to the drawing table.
Mostly technical drawings and yantras. Noticed that my hands are working in an entirely different way than just typing or piano. Drawing, coloring those are serious fine motor skills. They build new brain connections also. Different rooms for different things. Hope it all works out. Calligraphy, Tibetan Calligraphy, Lithographs, Screen Printing, Original Drawings for Clothing. Have oodles of iron on prints and crystals to glue. Will keep my hands busy all winter.
The highlight of my year? An electric pencil sharpener.
I’m sitting out. Had my spectacular experiences with all of it. Best part is being with whales and I have seen many. After that boat delivery a couple of years back I’m pretty much done.
These Racers are Ready. Weather looks good. Boat bottom has been cleaned up nice and shiny. Racers leave early am. The start will be many hours before I wake.
1st race in the Southern Sound Series. We currently hold the trophy for winning the over all in the series last year. Bummer of being in first place? Makes us the target. I can only imagine the shenanigans.
Best of luck to all the boats and sailors, have a great time.
Whoops I stand corrected. This is not a series race, it’s a warm up to the series. This race is the La Mans, Gig harbor.
8:00pm Racers home safe and sound. They had a blast.
He’s happy to see me making stuff so he keeps bringing home wool. In different colors, extra’s from Granny’s Attic. So I make them like paintings. Keeping my hands busy while I earn my freedom from smoking. One step at a time with it. They say cigarettes are harder to quit than heroin. Totally. Even nicotine in patches and gum are like heroin. At least I’m noticing what stresses me out as I step away for a piece of gum and practice prana yama. Several weeks of patches in steps. Wonder how far I’ll be with this and I think it wants to be a shawl. With pink cashmere lining and secret sleeves from handed down sweater.
The bunny was eating the bird’s food from his dish and will drag it away from the bird. Bird gets upset and will fly around my head until I pull the bunny away. So as a solution I began putting bird seed in the Hempfest 2014 hat. The extra step is putting the hat up on a post so the bunny can’t reach it.
Home Sweet Home. Obviously this is a borrowed link from Nasa. Had to look up the soundtrack and now I’m off for another link. I can’t find this on Nasa.gov… But they have lots of cool stuff. Anyway what a beautiful meditation.
Someone had to tell me because I didn’t know. Last thought on my mind. Now it’s a priority. While inpatient I was immersed in my treatment for depression and anxiety. Groups every day. Met awesome Psychiatrist who adjusted my medications. Had to stabilize under their care until I was able to walk out and return home.
The week flew by. Felt like two days. I’m sleeping like a kid again. So thankful for investing the time and energy. It was the right thing to do. There was no suicide attempt, but I went in voluntarily because of suffering Suicidal Ideations, SI for short. With the new medications the SI’s have ceased completely. The prazosin, gabapentin and trazodone at night was a good call, when I fall asleep I wake in the same position I fell asleep in and I love that. No more tossing and turning. Huge improvement in my sleep pattern. No more suffering from insomnia.
Sleeping very well, prior to hospital stay, I was acting like a sleep deprived caged lion or something. My quality of sleep has improved immensely. I can still dream, but now they are happy dreams, not one night terror. Not one panic attack. It feels liberating. I was not myself and prozac alone taking a 20mg dose every other day wasn’t enough.
Cascade Info link: http://www.cascadebh.com/
Also the staff were wonderful to me. Kept checking my vitals, we called the machine C3PO and then changed it to R2D2 because it’s blue and just beeps, doesn’t talk. I felt safe there. I knew I would live, that I would survive.
It must be the Gabapentin that is causing the aversion to medical marijuana. I was so afraid of quitting marijuana, that I would have bad dreams. Smiling, the docs were right about this and I am so grateful to them for their encouragement. That’s right I said it, Gabapentin and Prazosin work better than Medical Marijuana for what I was going through with respect to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Being at home? My stress levels dropped 100%. I’m up usually at 7 like in the hospital. Much more active and it’s just a little easier to sort things out. All in All it was a wise choice. No regrets what so ever.
My left hand is weaker than my right. This handy little excerise helps alot. That left hand is all about bass and rythm. Weak weak weak. At first I could only do like five, now I’m up to ten with my left hand going for for 20.
As I type this the bunny is racing around the room. She is now properly crate trained only for sleeping. In the am, she’s let out and has free range. She’s box trained so I don’t care, but there is timothy hay all over the floor. Getting used to the mess.
Mostly coloring mandalas in prep for making my own. I take them to the wall and they do help me focus, great for reading sheet music. Mandalas are Key to improving concentration.
Quit smoking and it’s been two weeks, one more and that’s called establishing new behavior. I’m so happy. Plus the meds are working out. Developed complete aversion to smoking pot. That tells me I’ve been self medicating with cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana. Gone all the cravings for all three of them. The meds are great. Covered my insurance. Work much better and just think off all the money my honey is saving. Thinking again of how much money the government could make if they insured medical marijuana for cancer patients. It helps them. Research I read said that the marijuana pre cracks the cancer shell cells so chemo works better at destroying the cancer cell completely. Plus patients get the munchies.
Organized all my art materials into handi boxes and tackle boxes. Now I’m just waiting for another dresser to stack them in. Dressers are cheaper than pro art furniture. One for paper one for materials.
Goodbye grow room, hello little art studio. Keeping the light installed. What can I say it’s a win win. 1500 metallic hallide blue light is great light for art and seasonal affective disorder.
In twenty years on island let me tell you the stories I’ve heard. They should be told I think. It harms me keeping it all quiet like I’m participating in an unhealthy group secret.
I have no time for new people. Already have a full house. New people stay new people for ten years. Twenty years and well they have watched the kids grow up and until they have held your grandchildren, you are not yet an Islander.
Did you know the men in black were here BEFORE Roswell? Betcha didn’t have a clue. They made a documentary on it, art house style. The film is called The Maury Island Incident. It has won several awards and I have yet to see it. The first UFO crashed here, I think. And I think it was on the day of the first flight of the US Air Force. People died a beloved family dog die. No one died at Roswell. There may have been more crashes, I dunno. I don’t know for how long the men in black have existed. But I think they only have one job. To make witness story tellers look crazy.
Gosh this is so embedded in our pop culture. Cartoons on Saturday mornings in the 60’s: Looney Tunes. Bugs Bunny and the Martian.
My sister hung out with this cute gay boy who hung out with Julie Brown and at one point in my life I knew all the words to every song on her album Goddess In Progress.
So complicated and so much denial. Let’s just say you never know who your talking to out here. So many stories, so little time. My fire alarm just went off so I’m going to stop thinking about it.
Why I moved here, I really don’t know. All I can say I heard the hum. And THAT was on NPR. The Vashon Hum. No more denial peeps.
Just as I sleep off the pm meds. Am meds with decaf and nicotine gum on the side. Listening to war baby music all day.
Good Morning Vietnam.
When I was a student @ Berkeley High, living in a real commune. By that I mean to say there were post it notes taped to the telephones with a cartoon of Richard Nixon that said, “SSSSHHHHHHHHH Big Brother is Listening.” Yes, it was raided by the DEA and FBI while I was living there. I might add that the bottle of “liquid acid” was not liquid acid. However there was a girl living in the attic sleeping on a futon mattress. We never spoke so I had no idea what was going on. I didn’t know someone had a boa constrictor, things like that. It was like Grand Central Station, too many people to meet. They did find a stack of paper acid under that girls pillow so down she went. Had to visit my boyfriend in jail and all that. Did meet Wavy Gravy what a chatty cathy. He took me back to his place and at first he demonstrated the old school light shows for the Dead. Then we watched a protest video I will never forget. The students were in the common area of the college campus, protesting the war. Then The National Guard surrounded them, locked elbows with each other and pulled down their face masks which induced mass panic. Then the National Guards Helicopters flew over them, bombing them with tear gas.
The bust was historic in hippie legend it was called: The Fall Of The Rainbow. When the landlord found out about the raid he tossed everyone out.
One day walking to school watched a vet named Snitch light his hair on fire. He was looking at himself in the mirrors of the See’s candy store at Center and Shattuck, by the Bart Station while doing so. Approached him and asked him if he was cool. Helped him as much as I could for 15. Held him in the street and cried help me, and not one person stopped. Above my pay grade I stayed till he was back to normal, enough not to burn his dreds like I said. Had to go to class. Watching my step, human feces everywhere like downtown Seattle. His eyes were at first fully dilated and he looked at me like he was going to pull off my limbs. Then he came back, and cried and I rocked him in my arms.
Berkeley High is in an interesting location, pretend you see a square.
The high school on one side, the police station on another side, the VA on another side and the courthouse on the last side. In the center, provo park, but I’ve heard they have since changed the name.Kind of like how King County finally changed their County LOGO.
For how many republican years was it a crown until changed to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. ? Serious question.
When I moved out of the commune I was very fortunate that my friend took me in, family of lawyers just above the rose gardens. Looking back, I wouldn’t have made anything of my life without them. Their family values and things like that. Her mom worked for non profits. Her father a law professor. We are still good friends. All of those days in Berkeley? We quickly bonded. It’s been a friendship of decades. Her brother designed several of the first Metallica record covers. We worked together for a bit in East Oakland for a local contractor. When the offices and shop shut down for the day, the band upstairs would play. Yup, it was CCR.
Thank you Monsanto.
We all do it. Bake a cake. Slap little triangle hats on the kids. Plug the cake full of candles. Light the candles, stand in a circle, sing a song. Make a wish and then blow out the candles and eat the cake. Face it. It’s a ritual, looks a bit like something like witchcraft. Sharing my wish before I blew out the candles, Wished for world peace.
My twenty years on island. There are still a few of us village idiots. Everyone I saw today and like other visits uptown. They are all treating me differently. That’s ok. Today I cried when I mentioned RJ at the mercantile. Still hurts Badly. They say it takes 4 years, it’s been two. I’ve obviously been “touched” so it doesn’t hurt my feelings.
Came home and my son asked me to add fabric to the sleeves of the hoodie RJ gave him when he was little. So this isn’t just me, it’s our whole family. All my kids, my husband, myself. All we can do is endure time without him.
The lady at the store said that know one even suspected RJ was depressed. Ah and that is why I am treated differently. Everyone knows, small town and all that. They haven’t yet asked me if I’ve taken my meds today, but if they did, I wouldn’t mind at all.
Saw my doctor this am, went over the hospital discharge papers and list of medications. During our last visit he said it is absolutely time to quit smoking cigarettes. He was delighted that I have. Been ten days. Talked with the lady at the mercantile about, she quit cold turkey. I have patches, gum and an arsenal of mommies little helpers. Either way, who cares. Ten days are Ten days. Since my last visit I’ve gained ten pounds. WOW. Time to take a look at that. Whoah. I have no explanation for that, but junk food. At least that’s something I can handle myself. I just need a hand moving the work out machines around here at the house and I’ll start moving my body soon.
MATH IS COOL. How fast could one calculate gas milage for 1500 miles? Miles to Kilometers. Then convert US dollars to Canadian.
I tried but I’m heavily sedated. Will try again in the morning.
Fibonacci is easy.
This all started because I had to figure out two liters a day of water. It’s more than a two quart /64 ounce bottle of Gatorade. All for my kidney issues. Got all into it, lol. Must sleep now. Long story short, 64 ounces is less than 2 liters.
Thinking Ink. Loving being back in the flow. So grateful to Cascade Hospital for so much, mostly bringing me back to the surface. Thank You! With the new meds I feel like me again. Creating new art with an arsenal of art supplies that sat for a long time waiting for me to return.
I love that I quit smoking everything and drinking coffee and I wasn’t even in the rehab program, was in for treatment for major depression. The group work was the best part. My missing link. Awaiting my DBT screening appt. So much hope that I qualify for the program, it’s a year long- individual work and more group. If It doesn’t work out, I’ll find something else.
Dr.’s appt at 9am and then art therapy later in the day.
Time for meds and then the bed. Going to be a busy day of impeccable self care.
While listening to this:
This letter was originally provided by my last counselor and every now and then I go back and read it again, it has brought me such comfort. Sharing with hope it will inspire my millennial children.
Help is needed on the front line, actively blocking the continuing construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline. Bring your prayer skills, your peacemaking skills and your Nonviolent Direct Action skills.
What to expect on the road:
The trip is approximately 25 hours from Seattle. We will drive through with drivers working in shifts. You can get on the bus in Olympia, Seattle or possibly somewhere in between if it’s enroute.The bus is a standard Thomas school bus, so bring what you need to make your ride comfortable!
For many years I have made as much fun of The Clintons as possible. Good clean fun. I think she blew it when she forced Planned Parenthood to endorse her. Huge Mistake. Her own email server didn’t help, neither did Wiki Leaks. It really would have been weird to have a rapist as first man. So we get to have a new first lady. That’s so much better than a rapist first man. Ok, time to take my meds. Seriously the wife of an impeached president as president? Exactly what made her think she had a snowballs chance in hell? It was her attitude in the primaries, Hillary was all like, “You fuckers owe me.” I held out for Sanders/Warren 2016. The DNC Wasserman thing exposed tons of behind closed doors corruption in the DNC. It exposed her character on the levels that she was willing to sink to. She acted like she had it in the bag. Well and a friend who was a delegate went to DC and watched as Hillary on the floor facing the crowd, Patty Murray walked by and Hillary turned her back on her. So really, she’s a republican you see and the game worked like this, Trump is the democrat. Let’s just call it the November surprise. Trump did an excellent job with tonage of reverse psychology and actually killed the GOP. So I’m hoping this will be fun. What a fun birthday president. I meant present. Her Monsanto Monster campaign manager- another slap in the face of democracy. I could count her mistakes but I want to think happy thoughts today. Wow HC was just thrown under the bus.
courtesy of wikileaks… it’s real, she stood in front of the count sign.
ok, back to knitting my masterpiece.
Voluntarily entered inpatient hospital treatment for my suicidal ideations that were stalking me. My choice to enter treatment. My medications needed tweaking something was wrong with me and I was actually able to meet with an awesome psychiatrist to sort it out and stay to stabilize under supervision. That means C3PO came to visit to check my vitals several times by day and night. This is what I call serious professional help. Feeling very humbled and in total appreciation for Cascade Hospital. They took very good care of me. Why did I wait so long? The groups were powerful and healing and helpful, attended all of them. They taught me to be disciplined with the meds so I can be disciplined taking them on schedule at home, so I’m happy with the experience. They are the best treatment center hands down.
Stayed for one week and actually quit smoking cigarettes. Quit date: November 1st. They gave me a new form of nicotine patch and gum for several weeks and it’s also working. Home and managed to watch the Seahawks game last night without smoking. Woke up and still not smoking. Quit drinking caffeinated coffee also. Also gone are my marijuana cravings to stop the lucid dreaming. The Gabapentin was added I think to buffer the withdrawal from Marijuana. Taking 300 mg in the am, 300mg @ noon and then 600mg at night for a total of 1,200 mg a day. Works great for the lingering pain in my neck from the car crash that gave me post concussion syndrome. Also for that, a non narcotic myo relaxer is working great, it’s called Tizanidine. These drugs work great in concert.
Thumbs up on the Prazosin. It’s working. Haven’t had a nightmare since I’ve been on it. Added Gabapentin am, mid day and then before before bed. Prozac every other day and then Olanzapine- also known as Zyprexa an anti-psychotic for the imaginative suicidal ideations. I know it’s primarily for bi polar or schizophrenia, I don’t have either condition. My diagnosis is still Post Concussion Syndrome and Depression which can be mild to major. I took it briefly in 2014 when RJ committed suicide because I was seeing him in my house and talking to him in front of people. It worked great. I can still dream the big difference is that the dreams are happy and quite normal for me, who dreams big. And for insomnia, added Trazadone nightly. That’s four meds at bedtime, so far so good. No more sleep issues. Thank you Cascade!
It was a big deal to commit to taking Prazosin for nightmares because I was self medicating with marijuana. The drugs that shrinks know about are much better for me. No more self medicating. I was convinced that only marijuana shuts down big dreams. I stand corrected. Still on Prozac every other day. Follow up care in therapy for three months and then outpatient treatment at the UW for DBT therapy that will be a year long.
all my friends are HEALING take it slow…
they gave us headphones and in that kind of rehab center i could walk around playing air drums having so much with it, flying high on nice new meds, when people looked at me they smiled. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.