Jon and I had a long chat about women in male dominated sports, white male privilege dominated sports.

Guess how that went.

Had to remind him of how I beat him around the island in his own boat.  double handed.

I just remembered Sidney telling me this story about telling a story about me to the owner of Vashon boat, Darby.  After Sidney was finished bragging Darby’s owner said- “Yes, but did she look good doing it?”  OH and up in Victoria in 09, when I wore my red had to the stands to buy a tshirt with my name on it…a spectator called out…  hey how do you get one of those hats?  i just smiled and said, well you have to fuck the captain, in this case that would be me. that shut him up, and everyone within earshot chuckled and I just remember the woman who sold me the tshirt smiled like the cat that ate the canary.

Injured Crew- Yesterday’s Race


Big wind all day. Froth upon whitecaps.

They started with a reefed main, the only boat on the start line like that.

At some point into it, near Fox Island, they ducked in to take down the main.  That’s when it happened.  Crew left hand was caught under a line and her racing glove’s pinky finger tore off and other crew said she thought for a second that she lost her finger with the glove.  They dropped her with crew at nearest location and she was driven to the ER for x-ray, she broke her pinky in two places.  Oh the PAIN!  Spoke to her last night, she was very brave.  She’s been racing with us for three years.

It gets violent out there sometimes, like yesterday.  Things can happen so quickly.  Spoke with other competitors and at least two vessels damaged mainsails.  So far haven’t heard of anyone dis-masting.  Mostly people bailed.  Over half the fleet actually, 9 completed the race which is a big deal alone. Chances are if they finished, they saw the podium.  Those who finished are rock stars.  What terrifying conditions.  Last year and many of the years before there were calm seas and dead air.  This was a take off your hat and puke in it race.




More Counseling More Meetings

His birthday is coming up soon.  He would be 29.  I keep forgetting that he was older than my eldest son. Spoke to his mom last week.  Rj’s kids have been busy.  To address youth homelessness they are building two tiny houses.  We had hoped to buy or build ‘Rj’s house’.  Until then, tiny houses it is.


I always think of Miles Davis, that night in Berkeley

1991. It was drizzly and dark and still sort of balmy, but I had been running.  I was hot in this long wool trench coat and wearing heels, so my tip tapping echoed down Shattuck Ave all the way to the the Bart station.  It was nearing midnight I guess, I was racing to catch the last train to San Francisco.

I can’t remember where I was when I began to hear it, a trumpet somewhere.  I was very self conscious that my tapping was loudly interrupting.  After a while I wasn’t thinking of it, but the race to catch that train kept me moving.

Then I saw this old man in this sort of hollow entryway.  It was sort of like a little shadowed covered amphitheater. It wasn’t good. It was the Hotel California. So I assumed he lived there.

Anyway I stopped for a minute to ask him if he had a light.  I was now ahead of that train and the station was just two blocks.

He laughed and said he did have a light and did I have a cigarette.  I remember smiling and saying why yes I do. I gave him several and he lit my cigarette for me.  He was playing so I sat down next to him.  He asked me what I was doing out on a night like this.  I said I don’t know and giggled because it was Valentines Day and the person I was thinking of was 2,000 miles away.

Yes he was smoking and playing at the same time, holding the cigarette while he was playing. He took off the muffler and said he might get in some trouble for it, but he was gonna do it anyway.  And I just remember the way the song bounced off all the windows up and down the street and cobblestone sidewalks and the empty street and that it was all SO Beautiful and that I had to go.

He asked me if I recognized the song. I was young and had to admit that no, I did not recognize it but that I thought it was the most beautifully sad song I had ever heard.  He said well I played that just for you.  I smiled and said thank you it was just lovely and away I ran to catch the train, which I did.  Forgot all about the busker.  Now I think of him every single Valentines Day.  What a beautiful serenade and I was absolutely clueless.  I tell myself that even If I knew him I would not have recognized him.


Today’s IEE meeting/MDD w/hypersomnia

We were handed the Notice of Special Education Procedural Safeguards for Students and Their Families.


Now I can breathe a little better.   There have been several changes in the district and that’s good.  Boy when they went down the list of names in that huge lawsuit against the district, I was like, YUP.  Not only do we have a new director of student services, soon we will also have a new superintendent.  So Happy the old director of student service is gone.  She was like a deeply embedded wood tick.


It means things like, if my son says he has a stomach or head ache at school, RED FLAG.  If he’s sent to the school nurse, he gets to call someone on his wrap around care team.    It means working around the hyper-somnia and addressing MDD with specific accommodations.  The principal could not have been more of a gentleman about it all, he suggested the first thing to work on is a Safety Plan because of the knife attack on the school bus.

Can bullying be illegal?

Yes. Bullying behavior may cross the line to become “disability harassment,” which is illegal under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, Title II of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990, and the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). Section 504, Title II, and IDEA require that school districts make a free and appropriate public education (FAPE) available to eligible students with disabilities. Disability harassment, in addition to amounting to unlawful discrimination, can result in a denial of FAPE. According to the U.S. Department of Education, disability harassment is “intimidation or abusive behavior toward a student based on disability that creates a hostile environment by interfering with or denying a student’s participation in or receipt of benefits, services, or opportunities in the institution’s program” (U.S. Department of Education, 2000). This behavior can take different forms including verbal harassment, physical threats, or threatening written statements. When a school finds out that harassment may have occurred, staff must investigate the incident(s) promptly and respond appropriately.


Back from vet.  Exams, spayed, vaccinations, rabies tags & e collars. Whoops forgot to mention the cones of shame. They hate them.  Just for a few days, they really are putting up a fuss.

$60.00 total @ nwspayneuter.org

Huge relief, in debt of gratitude for the coupon from Vashon Island Pet Protector cat people, Jeff & Teri.  On top of that, NW spay neuter offered $10.00 vaccinations and e collars. Wow, Thank You!

It was just one night but we really missed them!  Adopted them because we saw mice in the kitchen.  Brought them home, haven’t seen a mouse since. Let’s keep it that way.



Happy Mental Hygiene

So many counselors, so much time.

My son’s counselor, my son’s school counselor, my counselor, grief group counselors… visited my MD for an early scheduled med check in.  Scored a bit higher on the depression test.  Dipped just a bit.  During counseling, which was before the MD visit, we completed my 6 month review.  Goals met and unmet.  Updated treatment plan and Safety Plan.  Have only attended half of therapy due to needing to be home with my son.  Both his and my absences were excused. Really excited about my son and I doing DBT.  Different counselors and we’ll be able to speak the same language.  I like that.  More therapy next week doubled up sessions and that’s good.  It’s all good stuff.  Families can mend and be happy again after a devastating and catastrophic trauma.  We’re so fortunate to have our on island family counseling center. Ever so grateful. They have been a pillar of support.  https://vyfs.org/


Yeah Laps


Freezing cold getting there, weird vacuum lock door, good after that. The just getting there in the cold alone is probably good for the heart. Like a reverse polar plunge. BIG thanks to Vashon Parks Dept.  We applied for and received a half grant for an annual family pass.  Good until December, 31 2018.  Vashon Youth and Family Service matched the grant and that’s how we got the family pass.  2017 was a horrible year for us.

Childhood Depression early onset

It began when RJ died. 2014.  MDD- hypersomnia w/ no psychosis.  He had been doing so well, making progress in treatment and school. Instead of weekly counseling he was down to monthly.  We were stunned with his report card, all the A’s, interest and attendance.

Since being attacked on the school bus Jonny has been diagnosed with a recurrent episode of MDD- hypersomnia w/no psychosis.  He’s been to see his doctor, counselor and he is back to weekly counseling and hypersomnia and full on his care provider penned a letter saying he doesn’t feel safe at school. So actually we should begin with a Safety Plan.

Met with his new counselor for an hour yesterday and when I came home I penned a letter of my own.  With my husband and I requesting an IEP, which he had before but he had improved and with his grades, it didn’t happen.  If we had one, we could have fallen back on a safety plan, behavior manifestestation plan, treatment plan.  Currently he has no mental health plan at school. So we have to start over.

Not our first rodeo we have advocated and fought for accommodations in the past and won and we will again.   We will assemble an awesome team full of professionals we the parents choose to invite to the meetings at the school and also advocates from off island.

Dealing with bullies is one thing.  Kids who suffer depression because of relentless abuse from bullies also need support and I can’t say which kid needs treatment more.  The bully or the special needs kid.  Though I have sadly read several stories of children committing suicide over being bullied at school.

The little pyscho that Jonny had to deal with for 2 hours a day, 5 days a week, brought that knife to school, on the bus for two months before he pulled it on Jonny, stating: “How does it feel to have cold hard steel on the skin of your face?”  It’s like during those two months the little pyscho was practicing like DeNiro in taxi driver.  “you talking to me?”

It’s not like we didn’t file a previous letter about the bully.  That was months ago. So my kid’s been bullied for months and that was before the little pyscho brought the knife. The school just isn’t acting on its new laws and policies preventing it and then treatment for hurt students.

You know what I discovered as a very soothing art therapy session?  Sandbox with a rake.  During my last art therapy session I sat there and spoke non stop for an hour as my hand was moving.  Maybe it was easier to talk about it while concentrating on a design and I wasn’t looking at my counselor, I was focused on the sand designs.

During Jonny’s last session and I didn’t talk about it, so he didn’t know, he just naturally gravitated to the sandbox with a rake and spoke non stop for an hour while his hand was moving.   It was so calming and healing for both of us.   Coincidence.









Food Event- Seattle Presidents Day

*Addo Central District Feb 18, 2018 @ 6pm

“Addo Seattle is proud to be hosting a special dinner to benefit Planned Parenthood the day before Protest Fest. Join Chef Eric Rivera for a special fundraising multi-course tasting menu comprised of President Trump’s favorite foods re-imagined to be the greatest and best foods. Menu item example- Caul-usion, caul fat wrapped foie dusted with cheeto powder. There will be silent auction items at the event as well donated by Eric Rivera Cooks, A Restaurant Group.” (Promo Copy)


Protest Fest – Addo Pop Up Dinner  TICKETS *$50.00 from every ticket will go directly to Planned Parenthood

Protest Fest Music Calendar- One Night- 6 Venues Feb 19, 2018

complete resistance & solidarity calendar.   @Seattle Slog

grief group 3

prior to the group, i was attending counseling. but sometimes i felt like i didn’t have anything and I would cancel counseling.  noticing that as i have attended grief group i haven’t missed a counseling session to process my work in grief group.

i had to leave group early. control my breathing. wipe away my tears. seat belt and start my car.  i had to clear my mind to drive home without crashing. did not speak and went directly to bed.

what i shared was anger about getting it wrong three times.  spat it out like a cat coughing up a hair ball. the first kid that shot himself in the head… i did have a terrible nightmare and went for help with it and at the end of the session opted not to check in with the family.  big mistake.  the second kid that shot himself in the head… we were so close, how could i have missed it and then there was the third kid that shot himself.  that time we did discuss post concussion syndrome, but not treatment of associated depression or meds.   too late, they are gone.  it was all so confusing and still is. after that, there is no new normal, after that, there may never again be anything that ever looks like normal. but it does feel closer to closure.

The counselor called it:  “Teshuva”  literally means, turn around.

missed my daughter’s open mic performance at school. more anger, for missing it.  she kept it on the down low.  she just wants practice without us being there, too much pressure. besides she would have been embarrassed by the old couple in the back crying.  after her perfomance i wrote to some friends and family and also called her bio-dad.  i knew he would be smiling, even though parents were not invited.  so he followed up with her and she just told me that he asked her to perform it again as a duet with him and she said Yes.  @ The Red Bike Open Mic-TBA.  awesome.


New Seva- Program Guide 2018


To place PNW ad please contact Jyoti at  pnwprogramguide@gmail.com 

The deadline to place ads is Feb 28, 2018.


People wait for hours to see Amma so many read the Program Guide cover to cover as they wait. It is often collected year after year as a resource for local businesses and services. I’ve kept every guide since 1999.  The guides are keepsakes.  Have been making the rounds on island and am happy to see that local friends and businesses will have space in this years program guide.  It’s nice to have something to keep me busy.  Jai Ma!



The neuroscientist explains why feelings evolved.

BEYOND SCIENCE: Antonio Damasio, director of the Brain and Creativity Institute at USC, sings the glories of the arts in his new book, The Strange Order of Things: “The sciences alone cannot illuminate the entirety of human experience without the light that comes from art and humanities.”


Why would feelings have evolved?

Feelings triumphed in evolution because they were so helpful to the organisms that first had them. It’s important to understand that nervous systems serve the organism and not the other way around. We do not have brains controlling the entire operation. Brains adjust controls. They are the servants of a living organism. Brains triumphed because they provided something useful: coordination. Once organisms got to the point of being so complex that they had an endocrine system, immune system, circulation, and central metabolism, they needed a device to coordinate all that activity. They needed to have something that would simultaneously act on point A and point Z, across the entire organism, so that the parts would not be working at cross purposes. That’s what nervous systems first achieve: making things run smoothly.

Now, in the process of doing that, over millions of years, we have developed nervous systems that do plenty of other things that do not necessarily result in coordination of the organism’s interior, but happen to be very good at coordinating the internal world in relation to the outside world. This is what the higher reaches of our nervous system, namely the cerebral cortex, does. It gives us the possibilities of perceiving, of memorizing, of reasoning over the knowledge that we memorize, of manipulating all of that and even translating it into language. That is all very beautiful, and it is also homeostatic, in the sense that all of it is convenient to maintain life. It if were not, it would just have been discarded by evolution.

Grief Group Session 2

Well that was intimate.  I was the only person who showed up and there were 2 counselors.  Wasn’t as emotional or painful. The Clonazepam.

In those first months, my stomach.  I was distraught and  I couldn’t eat very often because the food didn’t digest.  I remember it felt like there was a wet grungy gym sock slimed in bile and clogged in the pit of my stomach, like the one Buddy puked up on the living room floor.  Lost 30 pounds.  Back then I couldn’t afford to lose that much weight.

quit drinking. Check. quit smoking. Check. meds. Check. best art therapist in the world. Check.

yes I am still stuck and politely anti social because it still hurts so much.  next step: adding DBT- February.



for what it’s worth

Tuesday and finally Jon got around to telling me that on Friday, the father of the boy who scratched our son with a knife brought his son into my husband’s office and they apologized.

That’s great, wish he had told me Friday and I might not have had such an anxiety attack on Saturday.  Or not.  The point is he waited 5 days to tell me.  The young man was suspended and he’s off the bus.  But he did actually board the bus to school Friday contrary to the bus garage manager’s word.  When he got to school, Friday his parents were called and he was suspended.  This young man had  not told his parents what happened on the bus Thursday.  Who ever said the police went down to talk to the family was also mis informed as the father stated he knew nothing about it. I don’t remember if it was the officer who said he was going to go talk to the family, but I do recall the bus garage manager calling to affirm that he had talked to the officer who went down to the families house.  It bothers me that although the police had reports and spoken to two families, the parents of the kid who pulled the knife didn’t know till the next day.  The police, neighbors, bus garage and principal of the school knew Thursday.

So Jonny was totally duped Friday when he rode the bus to school, believing the bully would not be on the bus.  So were we, or we would have drove him to school ourselves.


our little friend died tonight.

Our rat, Edgar.  The last one from a group from four years ago.  He was sweet. I loved the way he would place his hands on me like a person. Like he was talking to me. He was very calm and had a white bindi. He was extremely friendly and after a while my daughter gave him to my son. It took such trust in the kids to understand how loving and kick back and fun pet rats are. He was a clean rat and smelled nice.

Happened to walk by his house and saw him laying in a strange way.  Picked him up and he was cold but still alive.  Warmed him up and he sat straight up like a person waking from sleep.  Walked him around so everyone could say good bye.  Jonny laid him on his chest and said, he’s my rat I want him to be with me. Ok.  Checked back in an hour and he had him on a pillow and I asked if I could hold him and that sometimes it takes a while and he agreed.  Jonny had wiped his mouth with water on a qtip, but it was clear Edgar had no interest.  I gave him a sponge bath and we wrapped him in a towel we warmed in the dryer.

Brought him upstairs and laid down with him curled up on my chest, warm and rising and falling with my breath.  It wasn’t long and he passed peacefully.  So peacefully at first I hadn’t noticed. Still I let him rest there for a while.  He was so nice and we all really loved that little guy a lot, even Jon. Jon made a point to talk to him and give him treats all the time.  Sad. Other rats showed signs, he didn’t.  Just old.  Maybe it was a stroke, he couldn’t lift his head. Jonny took it well. When alone I cried.

*early am pet funeral.  Found a little box for Edgar and a little blanket, shiny toy and his favorite cookie. Decorated the little box and wrote prayers on it.  Jonny dug the hole and Jon and I offered more prayers and we found the perfect marker.  a big heavy cylinder shaped rock that rolled in the tide so much that all of its edges are smooth. Thought about it last night and didn’t tell anyone when Edgar passed, so that everyone would sleep without worry. Well except Cedar, who asked to see him. That was good because she missed the funeral. Hoped Jonny would get a good nights sleep and be off to school for a later in the day funeral.  Not what happened. Early morning funerals are sad.  He’s staying home today.


When we told our son the man from the bus garage would be on the bus to make sure the bully wouldn’t be on it…  it made all the difference in the world.  Our son was up and went back to school the very next day looking forward to seeing the bus garage man.  He was like thank god, restored sanity.  Who wants to be stuck on a bus with a bully for two hours a day 5 days a week.

We were shocked by the turn around in our sons attitude.  He’s happy and I think it’s because he feels safe.  Has he been staying home because he was afraid of the bully? Million dollar question isn’t it.

On Saturday Jon took Jonny snowboarding, they came back and crashed out hard.  Jonny was body tired and sore but in great spirits.

I wasn’t ready still not ready to go back up the mountain.  I’m thanking the universe that I was able to get a same day appt last week and re up my meds.  So I had clonazepam and stayed calm.  In fact when I called Jonny’s older sister in Utah she remarked that I was much calmer than she would have been.  Well I  did have one emotional outburst.  Over gear.  Over not having RJ here to coach Jonny.  That it’s not cool to send a child up a mountain on a snowboard without a buddy.  It was early and I had not had time to take meds.  Woke hearing them scuttle outta here without waking me up.  We’re all still tense about it. I don’t like that behavior.  With all due respect my husband is too old to be up there, he has already proven that.  I don’t get how he ignored the sport till Saturday.





Knife on school bus


Guess this kid has been bringing a secret black box to school for a month.  Turns out it was a quick release butterfly knife or something like it.  Prior to this there were other incidents, bullying.  My husband Jon put it in writing and sent copies to bus garage and school.  It was quiet for a while but not for long.

Yesterday the bully tried to take backpacks and the younger boys weren’t having it.  So the bully said, “wanna see what’s in this box?”  He opened it and as he pulled the knife across my 11 year old sons face he asked “have you ever felt cold hard steel across your face before?”  Leaving a 2-3 inch scratch on my sons face.

Called police, bus garage. Called Jon. Called Jonny’s counselor.  Called his friend’s dad, who also spoke to the police and his son who witnessed what happened. Bus garage called school.  Someone called the police again with an address.  Bus garage called back.  Police went to speak with the family and bus garage manager called back again. He will be on the bus tomorrow to make sure the bully doesn’t try to ride the bus again as he has been kicked off the bus permanently and now we await the ugly fallout. Officer took photo of the knife mark on my sons face,  asked if we wanted to prosecute we said Yes. There have been too many tragedies on island. We’re not letting this go.

My son’s depression had just started to improve.

more community feedback

Went uptown and met a cashier who chatted it up for a second while waiting for my order.  We introduced eachother and he asked me if I lived here. We agreed that it’s a great place to begin and raise a family.  He asked how old my kids were and when I said thier names again there was this great big sunshine smile.  He’s known all of them for years, Savannah since she was little, knows her dad, nice guy.  It was nice, mentioned Tasho went fishing in Mexico with Chris and more big smiles.  Said he sees my daughter working up town all the time and that they are really great people.

Came home and asked Cedar about him.  She nodded, Yeah, she said they get a lot of love and support from the community.

There was another time at the pharmacy when the owner took a minute and remarked on how well behaved the kids were at the memorial concert.  They sat in the front row and watched with interest.  Jon was playing violin and we were supporting him.  Jonny at one point leaned over onto my lap to rest. My pharmacist thought that was absolutely amazing and what a good mom.  He was like how did you do that? He said there was no way he would have taken his kids to a program like that.  (they were promised a new xbox.)




med check & 10 simple questions

Over the last two weeks, how often have you been bothered by any of the following problems?

 Not at all  Several days  More than half the days  Nearly every day
1. Little interest or pleasure in doing things        
 2. Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless        
 3. Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much        
 4. Feeling tired or having little energy        
 5. Poor appetite or overeating        
 6. Feeling bad about yourself—or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down        
 7. Trouble concentrating on things such as reading the newspaper or watching television        
 8. Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or the opposite—being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual        
 9. Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way        

If you clicked on any problems above, how difficult have they made it for you to do your work, take care of things at home, or get along with other people?
Not difficult at all    Somewhat difficult       Very difficult      Extremely difficult

Depression Severity: 0-4 none, 5-9 mild, 10-14 moderate, 15-19 moderately severe, 20-27 severe.

Today’s score was a 3.  In Sept it was a 9. That’s 180 degrees from last year.  I don’t have to go back for 3 months.  Much better than monthly visits.  Grieving has taken a long time, is taking a long time.  This winter is going by faster.  I heard a frog today and found crocus in the yard.  I remember one spring going by so slow it was like time had stopped.  I just stared out the window at the trees waiting for them to bud and then for the seeds to drop and then leaf.  It’s not like that anymore. I was stuck in a time zone.  I have a friend that described time stretching as prana time.  Like being in labor.  Then forgetting and getting pregnant again.

Reviewing notes on today’s visit and there it is. Still bites.  11/16 onset episode/major depressive disorder.  Suicidal Ideations- the ubiquitous background of the mind.  Prozac creates pretty and sublime mental wallpaper. It’s a red pill blue pill thing.  Prozac-the red pill only works when sober.  Don’t wanna sober up because of unwillingness the blue pill awaits and things stay the same.  Thankful for the sobriety.  Drinking & grieving was a bad combo.

Now I only have to take Prozac for two weeks a month.  Cut Gabapentin dosage in half. Ditched zyprexa although it has its good things (increases appetite faster than weed munchies and very good sleep & it was perfect for smoking cessation), but I developed nasty side effects so switched back to the standard I was prescribed in hospital- Clonazepam once a day if needed. I’m one of the lucky ones who have a take it or leave it attitude about it. No history of dependence.  In fact when I take it I smoke a lot less pot.

The New Guy

Have been trying to get him to crew with us for several years.  He’s got this sexy little boat down at the harbor, Ciao Bella.   When his friends come by to visit he swoops by the dock at just the right speed for the guest to step aboard casually without stopping the boat.  Once I went out with him and he did that, it was so fun.  Went out again with my son and same thing, picked him up and dropped us off without stopping.  It’s sort of like stepping on a escalator for the first time.  My kids have all done the sailing programs so they can dig it.

Jon loves taking people out and if they seem serious their name is put on a roster.  He’ll pick three different races and they’ll get crew called.  If they say no three times, he doesn’t think they are serious and he doesn’t call anymore.  In just the last year, this guy became more serious.

This guy was crew called once and that time he couldn’t sail because he had this trip in Boston.  But yesterday he surprised everyone and was at the dock 15min before Jon and Randy, wondering where the hell they were and anxious to get out there. So that’s awesome initiative, a good sign.

Yesterday there was a full crew and with 11 people there were two people to man the running back stays.  He said they did great.  No lines caught up in the main. On that race there is this big marker at the Duwamish River and it’s thrilling because all these boats come racing around alki point under the spinny and it involves getting that sail down as the boat hits the marker and gybes around then on the way out the jib is raised and really both moves should be done at the same time and each move takes 4 or 5 people depending on the conditions.   Jon said the moves were executed perfectly and that it was fun and exciting.  Of course spinny take downs around a mark are fun and exciting. The new guy has great salt and I guess he’s sticking around.  30 years of sailing and that was his first race. Loved it.  Whales, twice, what a day.


Crew spotted them on the south end early this am.  Raced all day and they saw them again this time near the north end.  Guessing the whales went up Colvos Passage taking their time.  Rare to see them twice in one day.

Looks like they placed 4th, by 7 seconds.  Only a couple of minutes behind 2nd and everyone had a good time.

Learning about Gabapentin

This is the drug I met last year.  While I have switched out anti depressants and have been on/off others, I have taken this drug daily.  When I first tried it I remember waking up and feeling like I had slept like I did when I was a child and not being able to remember how long it had been since I felt that way.  Then I was angry that an MD hadn’t prescribed it immediately following the car crash.

There were a few times when it seemed to no longer be working and the dosage was increased.  So instead of taking 300mg am/pm, by the end of a year I was taking 600mg am/noon/pm.  It is an interesting drug I remember mentioning to my doctor that I hadn’t noticed a difference in increasing it and I thought that with this kind of drug, less is more.

Months went by and then the pot shop opened.  Marijuana is the other drug that I’ve taken faithfully over the last year as there haven’t been any contra indications.  Found new stuff and it was great.  Like the first time.  In fact without realizing it, I quit reaching for the Gabapentin.  There weren’t any panic attacks.  That was the other reason big reason I liked Gabapentin.  Two reasons, the quality of life sleep improvement and it’s action that stops panic attacks and actually those are the same reasons for the marijuana use and it’s great for ptsd.

Well that Christmas weed was so stoney I quit taking the Gabapentin unconsciously.  Not on purpose.  But then today I took it again but different.  300mg every 5 hours.  This after learning it has a 5-7 hour half life.  Still works out to be 5 a day but it’s continual and consistent and it’s working again.

Even if I nap for just an hour or two it feels like 10.




Grief Group@Vashon Youth and Family Services.

It was something suggested to me a little over a year ago when I left the hospital.  That and DBT.

The DBT group was in Seattle and although there was a woman who was helping me try to attend, I couldn’t do it.  Mostly because of the commute expenses, on top of program expenses, that didn’t include child care or travel time away from needy family.  That and I was on stronger drugs back then and really needed a driver.

It’s not like I wasn’t looking for a grief group, there just weren’t any to be found.  Until now, group actually began in December.  Had I known I would have been there, the holidays are extremely difficult with the loss of loved ones.  Of course I attended as soon as I was aware of it.  In fact the thing I found most helpful about hospitalization were the groups.  The groups, hands down.

Managed to brush my teeth, that’s it.  Wore pj’s and unbrushed hair.  Walked in a half hour late.  Got the times wrong, post concussion syndrome.  Still it was 45 minutes of clean pain.

Learned that our tears are chemically different every time we cry.  Some science to back up the recovery process.

My daughter said I should go shopping and get new clothes and get dressed and brush my hair and I sighed.  That’s going to take a credit card.    Then she said if 2010 me saw me she would slap me.  Maybe after a month of group I’ll feel like walking into a salon again.  She smiled, we smiled and that’s where we left it.