The neuroscientist explains why feelings evolved.

BEYOND SCIENCE: Antonio Damasio, director of the Brain and Creativity Institute at USC, sings the glories of the arts in his new book, The Strange Order of Things: “The sciences alone cannot illuminate the entirety of human experience without the light that comes from art and humanities.”

perspective/antonio-damasio-tells-us-why-pain-is-necessary

Why would feelings have evolved?

Feelings triumphed in evolution because they were so helpful to the organisms that first had them. It’s important to understand that nervous systems serve the organism and not the other way around. We do not have brains controlling the entire operation. Brains adjust controls. They are the servants of a living organism. Brains triumphed because they provided something useful: coordination. Once organisms got to the point of being so complex that they had an endocrine system, immune system, circulation, and central metabolism, they needed a device to coordinate all that activity. They needed to have something that would simultaneously act on point A and point Z, across the entire organism, so that the parts would not be working at cross purposes. That’s what nervous systems first achieve: making things run smoothly.

Now, in the process of doing that, over millions of years, we have developed nervous systems that do plenty of other things that do not necessarily result in coordination of the organism’s interior, but happen to be very good at coordinating the internal world in relation to the outside world. This is what the higher reaches of our nervous system, namely the cerebral cortex, does. It gives us the possibilities of perceiving, of memorizing, of reasoning over the knowledge that we memorize, of manipulating all of that and even translating it into language. That is all very beautiful, and it is also homeostatic, in the sense that all of it is convenient to maintain life. It if were not, it would just have been discarded by evolution.

Grief Group Session 2

Well that was intimate.  I was the only person who showed up and there were 2 counselors.  Wasn’t as emotional or painful. The Clonazepam.

In those first months, my stomach.  I was distraught and  I couldn’t eat very often because the food didn’t digest.  I remember it felt like there was a wet grungy gym sock slimed in bile and clogged in the pit of my stomach, like the one Buddy puked up on the living room floor.  Lost 30 pounds.  Back then I couldn’t afford to lose that much weight.

quit drinking. Check. quit smoking. Check. meds. Check. best art therapist in the world. Check.

yes I am still stuck and politely anti social because it still hurts so much.  next step: adding DBT- February.

 

 

for what it’s worth

Tuesday and finally Jon got around to telling me that on Friday, the father of the boy who scratched our son with a knife brought his son into my husband’s office and they apologized.

That’s great, wish he had told me Friday and I might not have had such an anxiety attack on Saturday.  Or not.  The point is he waited 5 days to tell me.  The young man was suspended and he’s off the bus.  But he did actually board the bus to school Friday contrary to the bus garage manager’s word.  When he got to school, Friday his parents were called and he was suspended.  This young man had  not told his parents what happened on the bus Thursday.  Who ever said the police went down to talk to the family was also mis informed as the father stated he knew nothing about it. I don’t remember if it was the officer who said he was going to go talk to the family, but I do recall the bus garage manager calling to affirm that he had talked to the officer who went down to the families house.  It bothers me that although the police had reports and spoken to two families, the parents of the kid who pulled the knife didn’t know till the next day.  The police, neighbors, bus garage and principal of the school knew Thursday.

So Jonny was totally duped Friday when he rode the bus to school, believing the bully would not be on the bus.  So were we, or we would have drove him to school ourselves.

 

our little friend died tonight.

Our rat, Edgar.  The last one from a group from four years ago.  He was sweet. I loved the way he would place his hands on me like a person. Like he was talking to me. He was very calm and had a white bindi. He was extremely friendly and after a while my daughter gave him to my son. It took such trust in the kids to understand how loving and kick back and fun pet rats are. He was a clean rat and smelled nice.

Happened to walk by his house and saw him laying in a strange way.  Picked him up and he was cold but still alive.  Warmed him up and he sat straight up like a person waking from sleep.  Walked him around so everyone could say good bye.  Jonny laid him on his chest and said, he’s my rat I want him to be with me. Ok.  Checked back in an hour and he had him on a pillow and I asked if I could hold him and that sometimes it takes a while and he agreed.  Jonny had wiped his mouth with water on a qtip, but it was clear Edgar had no interest.  I gave him a sponge bath and we wrapped him in a towel we warmed in the dryer.

Brought him upstairs and laid down with him curled up on my chest, warm and rising and falling with my breath.  It wasn’t long and he passed peacefully.  So peacefully at first I hadn’t noticed. Still I let him rest there for a while.  He was so nice and we all really loved that little guy a lot, even Jon. Jon made a point to talk to him and give him treats all the time.  Sad. Other rats showed signs, he didn’t.  Just old.  Maybe it was a stroke, he couldn’t lift his head. Jonny took it well. When alone I cried.

*early am pet funeral.  Found a little box for Edgar and a little blanket, shiny toy and his favorite cookie. Decorated the little box and wrote prayers on it.  Jonny dug the hole and Jon and I offered more prayers and we found the perfect marker.  a big heavy cylinder shaped rock that rolled in the tide so much that all of its edges are smooth. Thought about it last night and didn’t tell anyone when Edgar passed, so that everyone would sleep without worry. Well except Cedar, who asked to see him. That was good because she missed the funeral. Hoped Jonny would get a good nights sleep and be off to school for a later in the day funeral.  Not what happened. Early morning funerals are sad.  He’s staying home today.

Kids.

When we told our son the man from the bus garage would be on the bus to make sure the bully wouldn’t be on it…  it made all the difference in the world.  Our son was up and went back to school the very next day looking forward to seeing the bus garage man.  He was like thank god, restored sanity.  Who wants to be stuck on a bus with a bully for two hours a day 5 days a week.

We were shocked by the turn around in our sons attitude.  He’s happy and I think it’s because he feels safe.  Has he been staying home because he was afraid of the bully? Million dollar question isn’t it.

On Saturday Jon took Jonny snowboarding, they came back and crashed out hard.  Jonny was body tired and sore but in great spirits.

I wasn’t ready still not ready to go back up the mountain.  I’m thanking the universe that I was able to get a same day appt last week and re up my meds.  So I had clonazepam and stayed calm.  In fact when I called Jonny’s older sister in Utah she remarked that I was much calmer than she would have been.  Well I  did have one emotional outburst.  Over gear.  Over not having RJ here to coach Jonny.  That it’s not cool to send a child up a mountain on a snowboard without a buddy.  It was early and I had not had time to take meds.  Woke hearing them scuttle outta here without waking me up.  We’re all still tense about it. I don’t like that behavior.  With all due respect my husband is too old to be up there, he has already proven that.  I don’t get how he ignored the sport till Saturday.

 

 

 

 

Knife on school bus

 

Guess this kid has been bringing a secret black box to school for a month.  Turns out it was a quick release butterfly knife or something like it.  Prior to this there were other incidents, bullying.  My husband Jon put it in writing and sent copies to bus garage and school.  It was quiet for a while but not for long.

Yesterday the bully tried to take backpacks and the younger boys weren’t having it.  So the bully said, “wanna see what’s in this box?”  He opened it and as he pulled the knife across my 11 year old sons face he asked “have you ever felt cold hard steel across your face before?”  Leaving a 2-3 inch scratch on my sons face.

Called police, bus garage. Called Jon. Called Jonny’s counselor.  Called his friend’s dad, who also spoke to the police and his son who witnessed what happened. Bus garage called school.  Someone called the police again with an address.  Bus garage called back.  Police went to speak with the family and bus garage manager called back again. He will be on the bus tomorrow to make sure the bully doesn’t try to ride the bus again as he has been kicked off the bus permanently and now we await the ugly fallout. Officer took photo of the knife mark on my sons face,  asked if we wanted to prosecute we said Yes. There have been too many tragedies on island. We’re not letting this go.

My son’s depression had just started to improve.

more community feedback

Went uptown and met a cashier who chatted it up for a second while waiting for my order.  We introduced eachother and he asked me if I lived here. We agreed that it’s a great place to begin and raise a family.  He asked how old my kids were and when I said thier names again there was this great big sunshine smile.  He’s known all of them for years, Savannah since she was little, knows her dad, nice guy.  It was nice, mentioned Tasho went fishing in Mexico with Chris and more big smiles.  Said he sees my daughter working up town all the time and that they are really great people.

Came home and asked Cedar about him.  She nodded, Yeah, she said they get a lot of love and support from the community.

There was another time at the pharmacy when the owner took a minute and remarked on how well behaved the kids were at the memorial concert.  They sat in the front row and watched with interest.  Jon was playing violin and we were supporting him.  Jonny at one point leaned over onto my lap to rest. My pharmacist thought that was absolutely amazing and what a good mom.  He was like how did you do that? He said there was no way he would have taken his kids to a program like that.  (they were promised a new xbox.)

 

 

 

med check & 10 simple questions

Over the last two weeks, how often have you been bothered by any of the following problems?

 Not at all  Several days  More than half the days  Nearly every day
1. Little interest or pleasure in doing things        
 2. Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless        
 3. Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much        
 4. Feeling tired or having little energy        
 5. Poor appetite or overeating        
 6. Feeling bad about yourself—or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down        
 7. Trouble concentrating on things such as reading the newspaper or watching television        
 8. Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or the opposite—being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual        
 9. Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way        

If you clicked on any problems above, how difficult have they made it for you to do your work, take care of things at home, or get along with other people?
Not difficult at all    Somewhat difficult       Very difficult      Extremely difficult

Depression Severity: 0-4 none, 5-9 mild, 10-14 moderate, 15-19 moderately severe, 20-27 severe.

Today’s score was a 3.  In Sept it was a 9. That’s 180 degrees from last year.  I don’t have to go back for 3 months.  Much better than monthly visits.  Grieving has taken a long time, is taking a long time.  This winter is going by faster.  I heard a frog today and found crocus in the yard.  I remember one spring going by so slow it was like time had stopped.  I just stared out the window at the trees waiting for them to bud and then for the seeds to drop and then leaf.  It’s not like that anymore. I was stuck in a time zone.  I have a friend that described time stretching as prana time.  Like being in labor.  Then forgetting and getting pregnant again.

Reviewing notes on today’s visit and there it is. Still bites.  11/16 onset episode/major depressive disorder.  Suicidal Ideations- the ubiquitous background of the mind.  Prozac creates pretty and sublime mental wallpaper. It’s a red pill blue pill thing.  Prozac-the red pill only works when sober.  Don’t wanna sober up because of unwillingness the blue pill awaits and things stay the same.  Thankful for the sobriety.  Drinking & grieving was a bad combo.

Now I only have to take Prozac for two weeks a month.  Cut Gabapentin dosage in half. Ditched zyprexa although it has its good things (increases appetite faster than weed munchies and very good sleep & it was perfect for smoking cessation), but I developed nasty side effects so switched back to the standard I was prescribed in hospital- Clonazepam once a day if needed. I’m one of the lucky ones who have a take it or leave it attitude about it. No history of dependence.  In fact when I take it I smoke a lot less pot.

The New Guy

Have been trying to get him to crew with us for several years.  He’s got this sexy little boat down at the harbor, Ciao Bella.   When his friends come by to visit he swoops by the dock at just the right speed for the guest to step aboard casually without stopping the boat.  Once I went out with him and he did that, it was so fun.  Went out again with my son and same thing, picked him up and dropped us off without stopping.  It’s sort of like stepping on a escalator for the first time.  My kids have all done the sailing programs so they can dig it.

Jon loves taking people out and if they seem serious their name is put on a roster.  He’ll pick three different races and they’ll get crew called.  If they say no three times, he doesn’t think they are serious and he doesn’t call anymore.  In just the last year, this guy became more serious.

This guy was crew called once and that time he couldn’t sail because he had this trip in Boston.  But yesterday he surprised everyone and was at the dock 15min before Jon and Randy, wondering where the hell they were and anxious to get out there. So that’s awesome initiative, a good sign.

Yesterday there was a full crew and with 11 people there were two people to man the running back stays.  He said they did great.  No lines caught up in the main. On that race there is this big marker at the Duwamish River and it’s thrilling because all these boats come racing around alki point under the spinny and it involves getting that sail down as the boat hits the marker and gybes around then on the way out the jib is raised and really both moves should be done at the same time and each move takes 4 or 5 people depending on the conditions.   Jon said the moves were executed perfectly and that it was fun and exciting.  Of course spinny take downs around a mark are fun and exciting. The new guy has great salt and I guess he’s sticking around.  30 years of sailing and that was his first race. Loved it.  Whales, twice, what a day.

Whales

Crew spotted them on the south end early this am.  Raced all day and they saw them again this time near the north end.  Guessing the whales went up Colvos Passage taking their time.  Rare to see them twice in one day.

Looks like they placed 4th, by 7 seconds.  Only a couple of minutes behind 2nd and everyone had a good time.

Learning about Gabapentin

This is the drug I met last year.  While I have switched out anti depressants and have been on/off others, I have taken this drug daily.  When I first tried it I remember waking up and feeling like I had slept like I did when I was a child and not being able to remember how long it had been since I felt that way.  Then I was angry that an MD hadn’t prescribed it immediately following the car crash.

There were a few times when it seemed to no longer be working and the dosage was increased.  So instead of taking 300mg am/pm, by the end of a year I was taking 600mg am/noon/pm.  It is an interesting drug I remember mentioning to my doctor that I hadn’t noticed a difference in increasing it and I thought that with this kind of drug, less is more.

Months went by and then the pot shop opened.  Marijuana is the other drug that I’ve taken faithfully over the last year as there haven’t been any contra indications.  Found new stuff and it was great.  Like the first time.  In fact without realizing it, I quit reaching for the Gabapentin.  There weren’t any panic attacks.  That was the other reason big reason I liked Gabapentin.  Two reasons, the quality of life sleep improvement and it’s action that stops panic attacks and actually those are the same reasons for the marijuana use and it’s great for ptsd.

Well that Christmas weed was so stoney I quit taking the Gabapentin unconsciously.  Not on purpose.  But then today I took it again but different.  300mg every 5 hours.  This after learning it has a 5-7 hour half life.  Still works out to be 5 a day but it’s continual and consistent and it’s working again.

Even if I nap for just an hour or two it feels like 10.

 

 

 

Grief Group@Vashon Youth and Family Services.

It was something suggested to me a little over a year ago when I left the hospital.  That and DBT.

The DBT group was in Seattle and although there was a woman who was helping me try to attend, I couldn’t do it.  Mostly because of the commute expenses, on top of program expenses, that didn’t include child care or travel time away from needy family.  That and I was on stronger drugs back then and really needed a driver.

It’s not like I wasn’t looking for a grief group, there just weren’t any to be found.  Until now, group actually began in December.  Had I known I would have been there, the holidays are extremely difficult with the loss of loved ones.  Of course I attended as soon as I was aware of it.  In fact the thing I found most helpful about hospitalization were the groups.  The groups, hands down.

Managed to brush my teeth, that’s it.  Wore pj’s and unbrushed hair.  Walked in a half hour late.  Got the times wrong, post concussion syndrome.  Still it was 45 minutes of clean pain.

Learned that our tears are chemically different every time we cry.  Some science to back up the recovery process.

My daughter said I should go shopping and get new clothes and get dressed and brush my hair and I sighed.  That’s going to take a credit card.    Then she said if 2010 me saw me she would slap me.  Maybe after a month of group I’ll feel like walking into a salon again.  She smiled, we smiled and that’s where we left it.

 

 

 

 

 

Ready About. Helms Alee!

The People’s Puppets and the Backbone Campaign stage a hilarious, people-powered arrest of Donald Duck.

December 30th, 2017

This afternoon, dozens of activists gathered in midtown Manhattan to demand the United States impeach and remove President Donald Trump and set a national standard for leadership and accountability. They are acting on account of twelve points of Trump’s impeachable offenses:

  1. Violations of Foreign and Domestic Emoluments
  2. Incitement of Hate Speech and violence within the U.S.
  3. Voter intimidation and lying about election fraud
  4. Disregard for truth and pathological lying
  5. Violating Freedom of Religion with Muslim Bans
  6. Environmental destruction and dismantling protections for air and water
  7. Criminally negligent climate denial and violation of Paris Climate Treaty
  8. Illegal and reckless threats of war and nuclear weaponry
  9. Sexual assault and normalizing rape culture
  10. Popularizing xenophobia and pardoning Joe Arpaio
  11. Politically incompetent and unable to discharge the power and duties of the office
  12. Lawless imprisonment, violation of Posse Comitatus and Warrantless Spying

Seattle-based organization, Backbone Campaign, teamed up with several New York City based advocacy groups for the action. The event marks a kickoff to a larger nationwide tour of the centerpiece of this action: A giant Donald Trump hand-sculpted puppet head that taunts the crowd and eventually ends up in a large-scale “Citizen’s Arrest of Donald Trump”.

A group of people gathered at Central Park SE to take pictures with the Trump head along with their messages to be tweeted “@” the President since this seems to be how he prefers to communicate with the country.  The crowd pursued him chanting “Lock him up!” fended off by his “police escorts”.  At Trump Tower one of the children participating enacted the arrest by slapping cuffs on Trump.  The NYPD promptly escorted “arrested Trump” away from Trump Tower.

“This is to build momentum around the impeachment movement around the country. The positive feedback from everyone that was involved today, let us know this is something that the people support and are hungry for. We are looking forward to continuing this action in multiple cities across the USA”, states Phil Ateto, the Solidarity Brigade Coordinator for Backbone Campaign.

Local IT Program Manager and Radical Videographer, Owen Crowley, expresses his reasons for showing up today, “I came to demonstrate that sovereignty derives from the people. Mueller will not save us. We need to save Mueller, because he can only be effective when the people govern and the institutions of government are strong.”

Bill Moyer, the Backbone Campaign’s  Executive Director and co-founder said of the overall action, “Humor and ridicule of tyrants is a timeless tradition we are proud to be part of.  Our grave concerns mount as the stage is being set for the Predator-in-Chief Donald Trump to fire Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump’s profane buffoonery and criminal incompetence are an insult to rights and protections people have fought and died for abroad and at home in the social movements that have improved our society. Backbone Campaign is resolved to stand with our allies across the country in staunch defense of the shared aspiration for a real and just democracy –  and –  in principled, courageous resistance to the nightmare of dictatorship that Trump’s demagoguery is leading our country toward.”


Favorite Gifts…

Sri Lakshmi's Atelier

art supplies.

everyone traveled but little man and i.  all home safe and sound and what adventures. tasho went deep sea fishing in mexico with his girlfriend’s dad.  cedar went to the coast, jon went to denver & utah.  pets…  it’s amazing how much time is spent filling water dishes.  especially buddy and the rabbit.

Kid Peer Feedback

Stopped at gas station tonight and one of the kids group, Brian was talking with the cashier.  Brian asked if I got a new car and I said no, it’s kind of Tasho’s.  Brian laughed like whatever, kind of. So I said it’s really Tasho’s, but he’s in Mexico with Savannah.  Then the cashier chimed in.  You’re Tasho’s mom?  And also Cedar’s mom?  His face lit into this big confused and then sunshine smile and then an emotional outburst, You’re a great mom!

Then he introduced himself as Alex.  I replied by saying, I dunno about that I’ve made some big mistakes.  He cut me off, No you didn’t it.  Your kids are awesome! Then I replied, well I freaked out when Rj died.  He cut me off again, So did everyone.  Then I said well I REALLY freaked out.  He said, So did the whole island…everyone REALLY freaked out.  Then he said he grew up with Rj and knew my kids through hanging out with him.

When I got home asked Cedar about him and she nodded.  I giggled and said he told me a story about Savannah hitting him in forehead with a rock hidden in a toy octopus.  We both laughed, not because of what she did, but it’s the way he staggers his words while speaking. He’s silly like Jeff Spicoli. She said he’s friends with Emmet and I had a flash back about making a Vashon Court appearance, following Emmet.

I remember the judge was sort of freaking out and staring at him while reading that he ran over a recent road memorial for someone and hit the same tree.  Then when I went up the judge was sort of freaking out and staring at me with her mouth open like she had stared at Emmet.   I wanted to tell her about what happened at my house the night Rj died, Emmet was there with the huge tribe of kids. That he was playing about a girl on a guitar and that the piano began playing by itself and everyone freaked out.

She was a visiting judge.  I was appearing for theft and criminal mischief charges resulting from my art slamming a dumb ass guns & ammo sign a block away from the high school.  The sign featured Yosemite Sam firing a hand gun into the air and I painted his arm and gun off, disarming him and then gave the sign back after calling the number on the sign and personally telling him what I did to his sign, that now it had peace symbols on it, why and that he was an embarrassment to his profession.   Seriously, if a massage therapist has to post their license number when advertising so should gun & ammo sellers so as not to be confused with prostitutes.

She kept using the words This Community.  I was like let me tell you something about this community.  The parents who leave out their loaded guns for their kids with untreated depression.  REALLY, let me tell you about the high rate of youth suicides linked to gun violence.  That we in this community were living through a traumatic crisis affecting many families. That the man who owned the gun sign recently bragged in the paper that he was also a gun safety instructor on the island and at least one of the said youth suicides was his own client. That I had been grieving so badly over one such suicide, Rj Ontiveros. That Emmet whom she had just met, was RJ’s best friend.

 

 

 

Vashon Pot Shop

http://euphorium502.com

Had terrible night sleep.  Up at 4am in my sketch book.  It was about 6am and I was online when I learned about the pot shop. Went to med check and learned my health insurance termed out. Sent in my paperwork in October, but there must have been a glitch.  Had to leave med check and reschedule.  Then my counselor called and informed me that the clinic was closing early, holidays.  Had to reschedule anyway due to no health insurance and then I had to call my pharmacy. The clinic gave me the number to renew my registration and I called and couldn’t believe someone answered and did it all by phone for me. So confusing, needed the help.

Tonight will be different.  Loved all the stuff @ pot shop and that I don’t have to leave the island anymore and that they are open 10am to 10pm Daily.  Gone forever are the days of glass mason jars and being able to smell the flowers before buying them.  The labels on these flowers state the date of harvest.  I love that.  The indica I bought today was harvested on my birthday.

ghost in the graveyard!

(also to borrow for the boat.)  handheld nightvision with infrared.   a really nice one, russian, craigslist, from sailor.  report card bonus for little man.

*speaking of sailors, ken wrote from vietnam…

New Year New Skills for Liberation & Ending Oppression

Backbone Campaign is honored to present a 2-day training with Dr. Leticia Nieto, author of “Beyond Inclusion Beyond Empowerment.”Dr_Nieto.jpg

You are invited to join us for an engaging exploration of strategic interventions for anti-oppression. Leticia will present her models to analyze the complexities of power, rank, and status in interactions, with attention to social context.

Date: Friday, Jan 5 – Saturday, Jan 6 (Training starts at 9 am, Friday and concludes at 5 pm, Saturday.)
Location: NWCAC, Vashon Island (directions will be sent after registration)
Cost: Sliding Scale, $155-$500. Workshop fee includes a copy of Dr. Nieto’s book (a $70 value), meals; limited accommodations in shared sleeping space are available.

Register here.
All attendees must pre-register @
http://www.backbonecampaign.org/

The training is designed to facilitate communication and empowerment. The focus is on clarifying the complexities of working across significant differences and on understanding the dynamics of oppression.  By participating, you will learn skills for designing more effective interventions in situations impacted by social differences.

About Dr. Nieto:
Dr. Leticia Nieto has been working for three decades with service providers in helping agencies, with community groups, and in learning communities, including higher education. She is a Professor in the Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology program at Saint Martin’s University where she received the Outstanding Faculty of the Year Award in 2005.

She is a psychotherapist and teacher who applies her background in human development to anti-oppression education. She specializes in Psychodrama, Playback Theatre, and Theater of the Oppressed.

Her book, “Beyond Inclusion, Beyond Empowerment: A Developmental Strategy to Liberate Everyone” analyzes the psychological dynamics of privilege and oppression. It offers readers ways to develop skills to promote social justice. She shares those ideas with groups in the Northwest and Internationally.

Winter Vashon

It was windy last year.  Photos are a mess of spilled spinnys. 

Sunday pancake breakfast notes.  Marcus asked about the bunny, so funny to me thinking of these big tough guys talking about a bunny rabbit with heart shaped eyes.  Jon answered that bunny is super sweet.  Oh and Jon also spoke for a while with Matthew, cpt from Dulcinia who used to own Tension.  Matthew brought up the Seattle Grand Prix in 2005.   Jon was racing his old T-Ten, Perfect and Matthew was racing his old T-ten, Tension.  Matthew spoke about the gale and pulling into the marina with a full crew of big strong guys and tossing lines to a pregnant woman and then discovering that there were only the three of us on the boat that day and that they still talk about it.

That race was hard core.  It was the dark skies and dark sea and big winds.  Twice I pulled the boat around and off course for jon and alex to deal with the foredeck, both times I was ready to retire but we managed to stay alive.  The stantion broke and I remember hearing it and feeling it fail and then the I held my breath and faced a wave fully expecting to go swimming and then I felt alex pulling me by the neck of my life jacket back onto the deck.  When I sat back up I puked, the wind took it and it splashed directly onto alex’s face and as I apologized the next wave washed it away. So gross.

Randy sailed all day around the rock and brought the boat back to Vashon, to catch a ferry off island to drive to Portland @ midnight to step aboard a tugboat up the Columbia River.