Zyprexa, Let’s talk about it. Again.

Went back in to see my doctor.  Lots of face time as we work out a patient plan that I can then allow my art therapist to view.  Then I’ll see her again and have some progress to offer my doctor the next time I see him in September. So we are all on the same page.  SO thankful for the face time. This is awesome.

These appts are all follow up to problem back in November, moderate episode of recurrent major depressive disorder with suicidal ideations which led to a week stay in a clinic to stabilize on new medications.

Overall things have improved drastically.  To the point that I was able to quit drinking alcohol, coffee, smoking cigarettes.  And even a new goal to quit smoking marijuana, I know, BFD. All behavioral?  Not entirely.

Beginning to trust the pharma’s.  I realize I have been self medicating with Medical Marijuana for some time and while it kept me low, it also kept me depressed.  It just does not treat my real clinical depression. But it does sometimes help me with PTSD.

Still having nicotine cravings and reach for candy first, the caramels take a long time, then I reach for regular gum, then when it gets gross, the nicotine gum.  The gum is working with the patches and I’m breathing to the heights of full inhales and lows of complete exhales. I love that. I love the rest. I love the not seeing people until this is over and I’m stronger.

Now this is only week 3, I’m expecting these nic fits to end by week 10.  Really they are mini panic attacks, catch them when little and they go away completely, wait and it’s like a root canal. Gotta stay ahead of it.

No I’m not ready for the group on Survivors of Suicide.  Not a good time.  No, not raising dose of Zyprexa. 2.5 am and then 2.5 pm that’s that until I can stabilize some more from smoking cessation and quit the Zyprexa entirely, this is just a transition.

All of this being said, the longest I was able to quit was three years ago when I saw Amma and asked for her help.  I was only able to quit for 3 weeks.  Things are much different now, we have a new clinic, I have a doctor to follow up and a therapist, etc.  I’m on anti depressants months ahead of where I was last year when the clinic closed way ahead of winter sadness when the light leaves.  Still taking D3 @ 5000 IU to keep those blood levels up.  Completed a long fast last year and then had all the blood work which looked fantastic.

If I could beat that 3 week record it will develop confidence to finish the 10 week nicotine cessation plan.  I always quit cold turkey when running.

Almost ready for a warm up 5k. My running shoes are screaming at me enthusiastically, RUN, let’s pound this out.

And to top it off the eclipse happened during the office visit. My doc had an extra set of professional safe glasses and we stepped out to watch it, it was absolutely cosmic.   Everything got so dark and cold. The roads were empty like 911.  Cars lined up all along Quartermaster Harbor and on Sunrise Ridge.  Eerie and Surreal.







I want Candy.

When I was a kid loved candy cigarettes. Yeah Nicotine Gum.  Seriously, today I filled a candy tray.  Went to visit Sandy when I told her I quit smoking she gave me a bag of assorted candies and when Jon arrived he brought caramels. Otherwise I think I chew too much nicotine gum. Now most everyone is in on support.  My doc, pharmacist, grocer, neighbor, friends, husband and kids.  Today a man stricken with schizophrenia barely recognized me.   He said, OH MY GOD, That is her. Drew a circle in the air over his face and said my face was round and that it looked good on me.  Ok. I could lose 5 more pounds.

This after my losing ten pounds.  Ran my figure by Jon and Per and they said I’m good.  Curves are love.   More to love. Still, I’m going to have to write to my pretend workout buddy.  We’re like 6 weeks in and I wonder if he’s lost any weight.

Upping my game and adding Bacopa and or Anantamul tea/powder as I begin a sugar and fat food fast. In a way I don’t want to lose weight.  I love my new curves.  I don’t know, isn’t smoking cessation a fast? In a way? One at a time, right?  Asking my doctor about that, tomorrow, one more med check. A double dose means a double visit. I dunno, my counselor gave me am A+. I don’t want to rush things.  But there is this group for suicide survivors and I think I’d like to go.  Just waiting to hear back or maybe he would refer me.  Wasn’t ready at the time when I spoke to my counselor.  I still have tons of work to do.  Is now the time for a six week look at suicide?


Nicotine Cessation Week 2

Laying low and keeping to myself mostly.  Lots of fluids.  Sometimes people cough when they quit and that hasn’t happened, yet.

Slept really well last night but had to use a space heater, it was so cold.  Heatwave?

Going to be a difficult week, because it’s race week.  Sailor here from Chicago I’m nice to him, but staying away.  Did not cook salmon for him this trip.  Too sedated. He’s a former smoker so he understands.

As for me nicotine was a way of self medicating for anxiety and now that I’m addressing anxiety in counseling that may not be an issue anymore.

Taking this so seriously I wrote a note:

My 5 reasons to quit smoking:

  1. To stay healthy for my family.
  2. To set a better example for my kids.
  3. It makes my family happy.
  4. Feels good to wear clothes that smell nice.
  5. Fresh Breath.

Once I even brought a pack of cigarettes to Amma asking her if she could help me quit.  She held me back like a  baby and fed me chocolate.  When I sat up she gave me a hug for Darshan and set me off with rose petals, a hershey’s kiss and an apple.

I think she knows I relapsed.  But I’m going to keep trying. Certainly I have quit drinking.  Next to go is marijuana, actually I don’t smoke very much anymore and the correct meds work much better.  Again I think I was self medicating.  Finally the underlying issues are healing up.  Will continue all follow up visits with treatment care providers.                  IE:  Counseling and Art Therapy and regular med checks for all of next year.  A good start.



If People Only Knew

Today I had one of the hardest experiences with my client who I am keeping anonymous, I had a 16 year girl come in with who has been dealing with severe depression for a few years now. She got to the point where she felt so down and so worthless she couldn’t even brush her hair, she told me she only got up to use the restroom.

Over two days and 13 hours,  “I will actually smile for my schools pictures today, you made me feel like me again” ❤️

At the end of the day I want this to be a lesson to people. MENTAL HEALTH is a thing, it effects people all around the world and of all ages! PARENTS take it serious don’t just push your kids off and tell them to get over something they legitimately can’t. A CHILD should NEVER feel so worthless to not even want to brush their hair.


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